How to Get Ready for Your OkCupid Date by Ali Barthwell

  1. Fake an illness so you can leave work early to get ready
  2. Check OkCupid in case you want a Back-up Date
  3. Turn on the shower as well as your “Queen Bee” Beyonce-themed Spotify playlist for feminine inspiration
  4. Stand in the running water for one minute holding your razor pondering whether or not to shave your legs
  5. Decide against shaving because it means you’re more likely to try to have sex with Your Date to take advantage of leg smoothness. Also because having sex on the first date is slutty
  6. Get angry as a feminist for thinking that wanting to have sex on the first date is slutty
  7. Shave your left leg
  8. Cut yourself shaving
  9. Resign yourself to wearing pants on this date
  10. Spend six minutes staring at your pores in the mirror
  11. Apply a mixture of no less than four face creams and acne treatments
  12. Your phone goes off and you fall over your shoes sprinting to read it. It’s an e-mail from your mom
  13. Debate calling your mom to brag about having a date
  14. Hear your mother’s voice in your head telling you that he sounds like a real catch and not to mess it up
  15. Take a shot to erase mother’s voice from your head
  16. Look at Your Date’s profile memorizing interests to casually mention during the date
  17. Look at Your Date’s pictures to make sure they are actually attractive
  18. Stand in front of your closet wearing your bra, one shoe, and a scarf
  19.  Try on no less than fourteen different shirt and pants combinations
  20. Pretend to be Cher Horowitz and scream “Where is my white collarless shirt from Fred Segal!”
  21. Take a shot once you realize you are talking to yourself
  22. Settle on a black shirt that makes your tummy look flat
  23. Spend four minutes adjusting your boobs
  24. Line right eye with black liquid eye liner
  25. Fuck up left eye with black liquid eye liner
  26. Tell yourself you don’t need make-up to look attractive
  27. Take a shot
  28. Attempt to correct eye liner but mess up even more
  29. Apply red lipstick
  30. Change shirt three more times
  31. Settle on black shirt that makes your tummy look flat
  32. Put phone, wallet, lipstick, hand lotion, mints, CTA card, pen, business cards, tampon, pad, Diva Cup, packet of honey, highlighter, post-it notes, 34 paper clips, coupon for fro-yo place next door to where you’re meeting Your Date, single condom, and Office Max rewards card in your purse
  33. Smell your armpits
  34. Apply deodorant and perfume
  35. Double check route to The Bar
  36. Realize you don’t have your keys
  37. Search apartment for ten minutes looking for keys
  38. Find keys
  39. Change shirt to red shirt that makes your boobs look great but like you have a slight tummy
  40. Leave apartment
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