18 Rejected Monologue Jokes from 2 Weeks Ago by Samuel Priest

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Samuel Priest is currently a contributor to the Whiskey Journal Live show, a live talk show happening every Wednesday in May at Fizz Bar.  You can see more details for this live event at https://www.facebook.com/events/507237812672274/ or purchase tickets athttp://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/382981.

These are 18 rejected monologue jokes from the first two weeks of shows.  They were rejected for being “too funny.

-The General Mills Cereal Division breathed a heavy and public sigh of relief when it was revealed last week that the two boston bombers were of Chetnyan descent, and not originating from the briefly reported Honey Nut Chex-Nia.

-A Florida man this week eluded the police by pretending to be asleep and then running off, he was later found hiding on a neighbor’s porch wearing only his underwear.  Did I say man?  I meant “Opossum Who Wears Underwear”

-Making National News headlines this week, France became the 14th country to legalize gay marriage.  When reached for comment, Jerry Lewis said a lot of derogatory things about women.  Just… a lot, you guys.  A whole lot of… disparaging remarks.

-After a lot of of verbal sparring in the media, Kim Kardashian and NBA player Kris Humphries have finally finalized their divorce.  Kris Humphries had initially aimed to annul the marriage in lieu of a divorce, but he also aimed to get more playing time and rebound the damn basketball, am I right guys?  He’s having a really bad year.  Not even in the rotation hardly.  Playoffs.

-A man in New York City was convicted of stealing more than $376,000 worth of copy machine toner from his own law firm.  The man was caught after police surveyed the office and he was the only employee covered in copy machine toner.

-Three different rides at Disneyland had to be shut down this week, due to safety concerns.  What rides you ask?  Space Mountain, the Matterhorn Bobsleds, and Pluto the Dog’s Rabies Adventure Ride.

-Remember a few weeks back when Justin Bieber sparked a little outrage by telling the Anne Frank House’s Guestbook that he hopes Anne Frank would have been a Belieber if she were alive today?  Well, the little scamp has done it again, on a vacation to Hawaii, Bieber visited a Pearl Harbor Memorial and used a can of spray paint on the side of the USS Arizona to write “Hey all you dead dumb idiots, if you were still alive today, hopefully you’d find some time to buy my albums.”

-Over 5 tons of Nutella were stolen from a supplier in Germany last week, the authorities don’t many leads, but they’ve narrowed it down to 20 something year old nannies who live in Lincoln Park and are adept at twitter and instagram and claim Liz Lemon and Leslie Knope as role models.

-Earth Day has once again come and gone this year, clouded a little bit by recent US tragic events, “Now you know how I feel!” said International Tragic Events

-Some public fun has been had with the hipster concert goers of Coachella, they were tricked by Jimmy Kimmel Live into answering questions about bands that did not exist, and most festival attendees asked faked knowledge of the fake bands.  The last laugh is maybe on the public though, when informed of the ruse, the attendees testified that they liked that stunt initially when it was done previously on this little cable access show out of Portland that you probably haven’t heard of.

-A new report this week found that the worst job in the united states is a newspaper reporter.  The report might be a little biased though, the 2nd worst job in the united states was reportedly “married to Susan Wallace in Oak Brook, Illinois and not following my dreams.”

-Last week, Heisman Trophy runner up Manti Te’O wasn’t selected until the second round of the NFL draft.  Te’O said that he was disappointed, but he was just glad no one had pretended to be his fake girlfriend battling and then losing a bout with cancer, so all and all not a terrible day for him.

-A new poll shows that Canadian teenagers smoke more pot than any other teenagers in the rest of the world.  “Not so fast!” said lots of countries that forgot to turn in their polls.

-The stars of the hit reality show “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” are now working on a family cook book.  The book looks to be a popular gift for those that enjoy things ironically and don’t seem to grasp how terrible and mean they’re being by perpetuating a gross sideshow culture.

-A new study found that the way a person sneezes can tell you quite a bit about that person’s personality.  And by “new study,” I mean this thing my grandmother would say when I was younger and I sneezed.

-A new study reveals that wealthier people curse more than middle class people.  Some business experts are saying their may be some correlation between those findings and both Apple and Google investing heavily in little known travel company Cunt-Fuck-Incorporated.

-A fragrance company has just come out with a cologne that smells like whiskey.  The cologne looks to be very popular with men who are looking to subconsciously remind damaged girls of their dads.

-A 28 foot shark carcass washed ashore in the town of Westerly, Rhode Island this week.  “They’re gonna need a bigger boat,” said everyone that heard about the story.  Because remember Jaws you guys?  Still holds up.

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