The Definitive Guide to “Next Week on Mad Men,” Episode 607 by Benji Orlansky

Welcome back to The Definitive Guide to Next Week on Mad Men, your weekly guide to the popular web series, “Next Week on Mad Men” on amctv.com. I’d like to make a brief apology for last week’s Guide, as I did not accurately predict a “wacky madcap merger caper” episode, which ranks right up there with, “Don goes on a sexual journey and experiences no repercussions” and “someone dies and a bunch of rich white people pretend to be sad” as far as Mad Men episode archetypes are concerned.

That being said, this week’s episode of “Next Week on Mad Men” is a real doozy, so let’s get into it and figure out, definitively, what will happen on next week’s Mad Men.

00:00-00:03: Pressing the Lobby button on the elevator, Don will realize that, while it’s nice that Linda Cardellini is getting work, this whole affair with Sylvia isn’t really going anywhere interesting. He will do what he’s always done: start from the bottom and work his way up, one floor and one sexual partner at a time. Better take your heart medication, Doorman–the lobby’s coming up first.

00:04-00:05: With all of her desk things packed up in a box, Peggy will return to her old SCDP office.

“This is Peggy’s town this time around, everyone! Get used to it!” she will say, then emphatically place a novelty box of vaginal deodorant powder on Bob Benson’s desk.

00:05-00:08: Trying to get a “rap session” going with his new writers at SCDP, Teddy Chaough will accelerate his hand gesticulation at such an intense clip that his arms begin to resemble the blades on a lawnmower and he will accidentally lop off the Chevy accounts representative’s foot. Welcome to SCDP, Teddy. Party’s over.

00:10-00:12: With the first meeting of the newly merged company going poorly, Roger will ask, “Isn’t there a section of this meeting called ‘good news’?”

“There hasn’t been good news at one of these meetings since Lane punched Pete Campbell in the face over a year ago,” Don will say between puffs of a cigarette.

“Was that a year ago? Huh. Time flies when you’re only having sex or dropping acid.” Roger will say to a room full of partners avoiding eye contact with him.

“Anyone wanna have sex or drop acid?”

00:16-00:17: In the scene that will provide the emotional core of the episode, Don will enter Peggy’s office with a bottle of Canadian Club and two rocks glasses. “It’s great to have you back, Peg. Why don’t we get caught up over a drink? Grab some ice.”

“I’ll be happy to have a drink of whiskey, Don, but it’s going to be pretty tough for you to drink much of anything.”

“What do you mean, Peggy?”

Peggy stands up from behind her desk and walks toward Don.

“I mean that it’ll be tough for you to drink much of anything when your mouth is full of this.”

Peggy pulls a box of novelty vaginal deodorant powder from behind her back. The camera pans below Peggy’s desk to reveal Bob Benson with his arms tied behind his back and foam exuding from his mouth.

“Mheym therm MDonm. Canm mI getm youm som mcoffeem? Im almwaysm getm twom cups ust inm case!” Bob Benson will say.

00:17-00:18: Teddy will go to Stan and Ginsberg to see what ideas they have for the new Chevy account. Ginsberg will reveal his draft for a TV spot.

“OK, so we open up on me, Ginsberg, a hard-luck Jewish guy who has no luck with the ladies. I’m eating a bowl of cereal and it’s raining outside, you know, real grim stuff, you know, and then my roommate shows up and who is it but Stan, this handsome drink of water to my right right here and he says, “Ginsberg, my best friend, what do you say we go out and make you a ton of friends and introduce you to girls who understand you!” And then I says, you know, “Earth called–it wants you to come back!” and then there’s a big applause break and the credits roll and we see the title of the show, “STAN AND GINSBERG: THE COLLEGE YEARZ” you know what I mean?”

“Not only is that not a commercial, but it has nothing to do with Chevrolet.” Teddy will say, concerned.

“I thought you said there were no bad ideas!”

00:18-00:20: In an attempt to combine the critical acclaim of Mad Men with the rating smash success of The Walking Dead, AMC will insist that MAtthew Weiner re-animate the corpse of Lane Pryce for this very special episode. “Nice to have the old team back together,” Don will say to Peggy and Lane, who will then turn to face the camera, all three of them foaming at the mouth.

Whoa Nellie! Zombies, limb amputation, and sexual escapades? Who said this show was boring? Come back next week to find out what will happen next on “Next Week on Mad Men.”

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