You’re Mad That Our Founding Fathers May Have Been Cannibals? Fuck You.

By Beez Waxman, Guest Contributor

Late last week, scientific findings seemed to point to the conclusion that our early American settlers cannibalized a 14 year old girl in Jamestown, one of America’s earliest settlements. Even though there have been references made to cannibalism in our nation’s history, these new solid findings sparked outrage and repulsion online. The New York Times were one of the first places to report the story, a link to that version is here: Guest Contributor Beez Waxman’s editorial is a response to online criticism, not of the article itself.


Beez Waxman

Beez Waxman

You’re mad that our founding fathers may have been cannibals? Fuck you.

Do you have any idea what real pain is? Have you ever known real struggle, what with your soft hands and your bulbous belly? Go fuck yourself, you and the rolly office chair you’re sitting in. You think you can judge the actions of starving people from a different time? Get fucked.

I’d tell you to imagine yourself in their shoes, but they were wearing completely different kinds of shoes.  I don’t know if you could even comprehend something outside of your cushy little life, what with your clean sidewalks and computer phones.  They had completely different shoes, you short sighted fuck.

What do you do during the day that you have time to get worked up over terrible things in history?  And why this?  There are a lot of terrible things that happened in history.

I bet you’re sitting on one of those fucking bouncy yoga balls at your office. 

This isn’t even the first time cannibalism has been mentioned in regards to Jamestown.  Early American settlers did everything they could to survive winters they weren’t prepared for.  But yes, put the first time you heard of it in 2013 through your modern context, you simpleton fuck.

You’re a real piece of work, do you know that?  Do you understand they ate this girl after she was already dead and buried?  You get that right?  They had to dig her up.  That wasn’t a decision they made casually.  You think they did that for fun?  Some man dug up his own flesh and blood and prepared her to be eaten so he could keep his OTHER flesh and blood alive and you’re going to armchair judge him?  Fuck you.

If you want to, you can choose to not eat gluten.  Find a real cause or some real outrage.  There are plenty of terrible things that are happening THIS year.  I bet your shirt is made out of some kind of plastic.  You’re the goddamned worst.  Fuck you.

Beez Waxman is a former writer for the Buzzington Post.  He can be found on twitter at @BeezWaxman

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