Big Gun by Andy Kushnir

Hey y’all, I’m a big fuckin’ gun. I ain’t a small gun, nope. I’m a BIG fuckin’ gun. And let me tell you somethin’ y’all… I love bein’ me. But it seems like lately, everybody’s been all up in ARMS over me… sorry, that was a gun-pun, I love gun-puns y’all. Like, a lot.

But yeah, like why’s everybody mad at me and stuff? It’s like feast or famine over here ya know? Like you either love me or you hate me, like people aren’t this passionate about mayonnaise, and mayonnaise can kill you. Yeah, like if you leave mayo out for too long, harmful bacteria can build up and that stuff can make you sick and die. But if you take care of that mayo, and you refrigerate it, and you put it in the right hands, everybody’ll be safe. And then you’ll just have one bomb-ass sandwich.

Like what’s next, are people gonna have to get a background check just to eat a sandwich? Doubt it, Americans love sandwiches y’all, and freedom, and me. And you know the only thing that will stop a bad BLT with a gun is a good BLT with a gun.

I just wanna party and have fun, and cut loose and let one go off. And if me having a good time results in a baby, or a child, or a mentally handicapped person getting shot, then like the French say, c’est la v-WHO GIVES A SHIT?! Am I right or am I right?

I mean when did everybody get so uptight, besides it’s on y’all. I’m just a follower, put me in a crazy man’s hands, and I’mma act like my cousin Randy after he drinks 10 4Lokos and wants to repel the neighbor’s shed… I mean the rope’s not gonna support your weight Randy!

If y’all have a problem with how my actions affect your lives, then you need to take care of the people that handle me. So let me live mah life and quit RIFLING through mah business, he-he, told you I loved gun puns… BOOYAH!

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