24 Rejected Monologue Jokes from the Past 2 Weeks by Samuel Priest

rejectedmonologues

Samuel Priest is currently a contributor to the Whiskey Journal Live show, a live talk show happening at 9 PM every Wednesday in May at Fizz Bar.  These are 24 rejected monologue jokes from the second two weeks of shows.  They were rejected for being “only funny if we picture you saying them, and you won’t be saying them.” 

 

-According to an unnamed source, the bombs used in the recent Boston attack were built in the same apartment the suspect shared with his wife and child. Police say they came to this conclusion when amongst the debris, they also found various legos and the end piece of a meatloaf.

-Famed billionaire Warren Buffett joined Twitter last week.  While famed millionaire Jimmy Buffett joined Twitter-RitaVille.

-A Death toll from a Bangladesh building collapse rises to more than 500.  Bangladesh?  More like BanglaDeaths!!! It’s a terrible tragedy, folks.

-Obama said this week he doesn’t see a scenario of “American boots on ground” in Syria that would be good for the region.  He then went on to say, “maybe something with a heel-less strap, like a two pronged sandal thing, I don’t know, I’m not good with footwear.”

-A Southern California wildfire has been deemed ‘uncontrollable,’ and has grown to 28,000 acres. There was a small moment of levity in the situation, when a local news reporter reached out for commentary from singer Billy Joel, who said, “We didn’t start the fire” “it was always burning” and quote “since the world’s been turning”

After that last one… maybe you have someone come out and do all the lyrics to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel.

[Ed. Note:  They did not have someone come out and do all the lyrics to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel]

-Amanda Knox, the American woman who was convicted of killing her friend abroad before having the case overturned 4 years later, says she’s scared to return to Italy for a retrial. She’s also avoiding Olive Gardens everywhere, because when she’s there, she’s family. And by family, she means guilt ridden about possibly murdering her best friend overseas.

-Even more sad news this week, a San Francisco Bride to be perished in a limousine fire along with 4 other members of the bridal party on their bachelorette night. The good news? The fire stopped them from being really obnoxious everywhere they went.

-A 7-year-old boy with severe allergies in New York is attending school using a robot. The boys parents were incredibly proud of their son, until they learned his allergies keeping him away from physically attending the school were “girls” and “algebra”.

-Big accomplishment for nerds and conservatives alike, as a man successfully made a working handgun from a 3D printer. He also made a modified version of the date rape drug using printer toner and some post its.

-An 8-year-old with cancer got to score a goal in a major league American soccer game, thanks to the Make-A-Wish Foundation.  A happy story, but, some bad news… he still definitely has cancer.  Also, he was not a fan of soccer.  And! His doctors said the only way his condition would get worse is if he felt like he accomplished something in front of a large group of people.  So, good news, bad news and then some more bad news.

-Keira Knightley got married this weekend to James Righton, the keyboardist for British indie band “Klaxons.” The wedding had a period piece theme, which led some guests to say that although they enjoyed it, they kept on thinking they’d already seen Kiera Knightley do 5 similar weddings like this, and they wish Kiera Knightly wouldn’t only do period piece romance weddings.

-An elementary school in New York City has become the nation’s first to only serve vegan food in its cafeteria. In future news, this elementary’s sports teams have lost “All of Their Games, Ever.”

[Ed. Note:  At this point, the writing staff were instructed to ease up on some of the darker stuff, quote “we know it’s been a bad week, but c’mon” and to make things lighter, sillier and also quicker.  Samuel responded with the following joke.]

-The number of reported sexual assaults in the military has skyrocketed from 19,000 in 2010 to 26,000 this year, and the army is chalking that up to a “clerical error.” Apparently when ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ was repealed, troops were told to disregard “Don’t Ask” on Friday, and were not told until Monday the second half of the expression, and thus the context, making for a terrible rapey weekend.

[Ed. Note:  Okay, now they’re mostly silly, so everyone relax.]

-Barbara Walters announced Monday that she’s retiring from TV Journalism in 2014. In doing so, she also announced that she considered Interviewing Celebrities and talking to her friends on a couch “TV journalism.”

-A man in Iran tried to rob a bank after he reportedly paid $500 to a wizard to make him invisible. He escaped the bank, but was found a few hours later refusing to get off a nearby park bench, telling bystanders “The ground is lava, the ground is lava!!”

-During the Players Championship this week, golfer Sergio Garcia said Tiger Woods is quote “not the nicest guy on tour.” When asked who he thought WAS the nicest guy on the tour, he said “Kitten Twigs.”

[Ed. Note:  See?  We’re getting real silly.  Kitten Twigs.]

-Detroit is finally officially out of money. Or more specifically, as city manager Kevyn Orr is putting it, the city is insolvent. Or more vaguely, as some republicans have put it, ‘being a lazy freeloafer asking for handouts while listening to rap music.’

-Long John Silver’s has just hired a new executive to revamp their menu. That executive’s name? Flint Dubloon McPirate.

-A Florida man was arrested for masturbating in front of passing boats, but he claims he was just exercising. Yeah, right. Exercising away those “not cool in high school” demons it sounds like.

-An Ancient Mayan pyramid was destroyed in Brazil this week, apparently to make filling for roads. In future news, a bunch of road construction workers have been brutally slaughtered by Ancient Mayan Ghosts!

-According to researchers, people in the 25 to 35 age group are now experiencing mid-life crises, so “Your Move,” 14-year-old girls.

-An exotic foods restaurant in Florida has been forced to remove lion meat tacos from its menu, but they will replace with Iguana, Zebra and Bear. You can get a blend of all three meats in what the restaurant is calling “The ‘Fuck You Peta’ Pita”

-A Georgia man claims he found the original recipe for coca cola. He wouldn’t reveal the full measurement details, but he did say “It involves contributing a little to the detriment of our youth’s health and also exploiting foreign slave labor”

[Ed. Note: Okay, big finish.]

-NASA is taking applications for people who want to live on Mars, there’s a catch though, the application fee? 50 MARS DOLLARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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