Times I Wish I Had a Boyfriend & Times I’m Glad I Don’t by Ali Barthwell

I Wish I Had a Boyfriend when:

  1. I’m sick and want someone to bring me hot & sour soup and watch episodes of Daria on the couch
  2. We need to fill seats at a show I’m in or our run will get cancelled
  3. I want a drink but don’t have any money
  4. I want dinner but don’t have any money
  5. I have to go to a wedding
  6. My family asks “When are you going to find someone?”
  7. I’m coming home drunk on the train and need someone to wake me up when it’s my stop
  8. My life is full of friends, family, work, and personal growth but I could use a snuggle buddy
  9. I realize just how much I’m spending on condoms a month
  10. I want to get laid but don’t want to work for it
  11. I want to see a movie starring Vin Diesel or “3D” in the title
  12. It’s cold outside
  13. I think that everything I’ve been doing is all for naught and should just go back to grad school because doesn’t that make sense? Oh god, am I really considering taking out student loans to go to grad school? Someone talk me out of going to grad school
  14. I’m reading a cookbook and none of the recipes serve one
  15. I want to get laid but I’m on my period

 

I’m Glad I Don’t Have a Boyfriend when:

  1. I need more time to figure out if this is a dress or a shirt in the dressing room at Forever 21
  2. Everyone is so cute
  3. Anyone is talking about Lebron James. Yes, he’s talented but a possible ego maniac and betrayed the poor people of Cleveland. Can we move on as a people?
  4. Game of Thrones is on and that’s Cersei, she’s the queen regent. She’s the blonde one; oh my god, you don’t remember? Jesus, this show is NOT that complicated. Why are you texting right now? You’re not even watching
  5. I read an advice column and someone signs their letter “Cheating in Chicago” and I live in Chicago
  6. A movie theater is doing a midnight showing of Spiceworld
  7. There’s a new cute guy working at the bar around the corner from my apartment
  8. Rompers are so comfortable
  9. I know I will get laid by a stranger tonight because I’m wearing my sexy dress and every other girl in this bar is a plain-ass brunette
  10. I see my friends latch on to doomed relationship after doomed relationship because they’re terrified to be alone
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