Things to Remember on this Memorial Day Weekend by Benji Orlansky

This Memorial Day, while you’re home from work and manning the grill and drinking an American Made Coors Original, make sure that you don’t lose sight of what this day is all about: remembering things.

Listen. We get it. We’re supposed to remember the troops on Memorial Day. With all due respect to those who have fallen while defending this great nation and her freedoms, I’d like to take just a moment to tell you that there’s a whole lot more to remember this weekend than just those men and women who are better men and women than we are.

  1. Wear sunscreen. Just because you don’t live with your mom anymore doesn’t mean that the sun isn’t still a major threat to your health. No need to go crazy with the SPF 75, but just put something on. And not “tanning oil;” that stuff’s just baby oil in a bottle with bananas on it. If you’re worried about getting enough Vitamin D, drink a glass of milk, ya dummy.
  2. The last four digits of your social security number. Remembering the whole thing is nice, but you can always look that up, and if you’re giving out your whole social security number more than once or twice or year, you’re basically begging to have your identity stolen. The last four is all you really need off hand. Trust me–I’m a Semite.
  3. The Alamo. You don’t need to know what it is (a fort or something), where it is (Texas), or who won it (not Texas). All you need to know is that it’s a thing (The Alamo) and that Ozzy Osborne peed on it once.
  4. Whether or not you have children, and if you do, the names of those children. There’s nothing worse than getting daydrunk at a barbeque for six hours and then realizing that there are smaller people back home who rely on you for protection, sustenance, and love. Before you pack up the cooler and head out for the day, check around the house to see if you have any rooms that are decorated with standard “boy” or “girl” themes. If so, there’s a good chance that you have at least one child. Use context clues, such as a birth certificate or a soccer jersey, to identify that child by name and tell them where you’ll be all day and where they can reach you in case they can’t find enough money to order a pizza.
  5. Whether or not Benjamin Franklin was a president. He wasn’t. Neither was Aaron Burr.
  6. The name of a senator from your state. Inevitably, at any party, a political discussion will break out, and some asshole will feel backed into a corner and say, “Well, I bet you can’t even name your own senator!” Don’t fall for that old trick. Do your research and consult this list of current U.S. senators.
  7. That time that you were rolling your teacher’s lawn and your teacher came out and CAUGHT you! So scary at the time, right?
  8. Who the Beatles are. They’re some band.
  9. Where you left your sunglasses. Uh, did you check your shirt pocket, Knucklehead?
  10. Whether or not you were supposed to bring something for the barbeque. The answer is always yes. And don’t fuck around with that store-bought potato salad in a tub stuff either–everyone always acts like they’re excited about it but nobody touches it because it’s disgusting. You know what nobody ever brings? A centerpiece. I don’t care how casual the event is; a tasteful centerpiece will make everyone feel like some thought went into the planning.

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