Month: June 2013

New Mississippi Voting Laws as of 6/28/2013, by Governor Phil Bryant

I look pretty nice in this one, don't I?

I look pretty nice in this one, don’t I?

 

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Honorable State of Mississippi,

As you may have read in the Clarion Ledger, Vicksburg Post, or Mother Jones (Jokes! Total Jokes, you guys!), the Supreme Court ruled this week that the Section 4 of the Voting Rights Act is unconstitutional, meaning that fine, traditional states such as Mississippi, Texas, Alabama, and Arizona are no longer required to submit our voting regulations to scrutiny by the federal government. In other words, Uncle Sam can take that thumb he’s using to squash all us Good Ole’ Southerners down with, and stick it up his Yankee ass!

Dear Mississippians, this is what our brave ancestors fought so hard for in the War of Northern Aggression. As we shockingly still teach in our public schools, the “Civil War” wasn’t about racial injustice or white supremacy or none of that mumbo jumbo–it was about states’ rights. And now, thanks to this landmark decision, our states finally have the rights to adjust our voting laws to promote racial injustice, white supremacy, and all of that mumbo jumbo!

And now, enumerated below in fancy internet bullet points, are just a few of the new voting laws to be in effect immediately in the Magnolia State.

  • You can either get gay married or you can vote. Don’t screw this one up.
  • Before you vote, you have to get blindfolded, put your forehead on the end of a baseball bat, spin around three times, and carry a potbelly pig to the County Hospital and Dairy Outpost and back. At the end of all that, if you’re still black you can’t vote. Sorry–them’s the rules.
  • Did White Jesus visit you in your dreams last night? Well then come on in–there’s a glass o’ sweet tea waitin’ for ya.
  • Hey, are you the jackass that let Garth Brooks run around pretending to be some kind o’ Chris Gaines? Yeah–not in my voting booth.
  • Try tellin’ me this ain’t the best corn pone you ever tasted.
  • The first person who can explain to me why I’m not allowed to say “uppity” anymore gets two votes.
  • If you never made it to State, you might as well just stay at home. This here booth is for winners only.
  • Deer Season Special: When you take down a buck, you get one vote per point on the antlers. Caveat: If you even graze a foal or a doe, you can never vote in my state again because those are beautiful innocent creatures and I’m really sensitive about stuff like that.
  • I know, right? It’s my mama’s recipe. It’s good corn pone.

Pretty reasonable, I think. Now that we don’t need to run this stuff by the FedeREAL DUMBerment (got ’em), this’ll all be law by Mondey. If you got any questions, read it again, Einstein!

One Love, Y’all,

The Honorable Governor Phil Bryant, Home Run King

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Ted, I’m Not Listening to Your Phone Sex Calls, by Nate Horton, NSA Officer

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Whoa, playing the four iron a little long today, huh, Ted? Might wanna the lay off the Wheaties a little bit, right?

Very funny, Ted; I don’t actually know which cereal you buy. That’s none of my concern–I was just making a joke.

So, you still planning on coming over the barbeque on Saturday? Helen’s planning on making her ambrosia salad–judging by how much you ate last time, she should probably make two tupperware containers’ worth of the stuff. Because you ate so much of it.

Anyway, Katie and Rodgrigo are going to be there, so it would be really nice to have someone there to talk to, ya know? Those two are always yapping on and on about the deals they get on international travel, and I really couldn’t give less of a hoot about all that stuff. I mean, really, who has time to travel these days?

That’s a real nice golf shirt you have on. A damn fine golf shirt–what is it, Izod? I have an Izod one that I swear is the exact same one, only in red.

It’s your shot, Ted.

Ted, what are you looking at me like that for? Do I have some grass on my face?

Is this about my job again?

Ted, I’m not listening to your phone sex calls. Trust me.

I know that it’s legally within my right as an officer of the National Security Agency to listen in on the phone and internet activity of all American citizens. As you can imagine, most of these conversations are pretty boring, whether it’s people waiting on hold with the cable company or two high school girls making plans to meet up at the mall. You’d think that I’d want to take a break and listen to something particularly juicy, like my neighbor and friend Ted Arnold’s calls to a 1-900 sex hotline. You’d think that, but I’m not doing that, Ted. I would never.

What’s that? You heard that conversations where we have at least 51% confidence that a foreigner is involved is automatically flagged for review? Well that’s not entirely true, technically, but yeah, if we had reason to believe that an American citizen was on the phone with, say, a Russian teenage girl, several times a week over the past 8 months, then yeah, we might look into that. Especially if that conversation involved some of our “trigger” words, such as, I don’t know, “gag” or “kidnap” or “my wife is uncomfortable with anal stimulation,” then it would be pretty negligent of us to just turn the other way, don’t you think?

Ted, that was just an example.

I don’t want to be a dick, but you’re not allowed to touch the sand before you engage in your swing.

I’ll go ahead and call in lunch so it’s ready at the turn. I hope nobody listens in and finds out that I want Ruffles with my turkey club!

Alright, I’ll stop.

Yes I Would Like More Drugs, But I Don’t Feel Comfortable Asking You Outright by Andy Kushnir

picstitch

Hey roomie, you hanging out? Niiice, got some weeeeeeed, I see. Cool cool. VERY cool. Yeah, I don’t think I’m gonna go out tonight either. Probably just… kick it. Haha totally.

Just feel like puttin’ on some sweatpants and decompressing. I can see you’re doing the same. Yeah, you’re doin’ it right. Right-right-right. Woo, that stuff smells gooood. Real pungent. Mmhmm. Mmmmmmmm. Party time over here, am I right?

Wow, watching Avatar. Now that’s an experience. Vivid colors and long scenic shots, you’re in for a treat my friend. Ahhhh, yup yup. So who’d you say your dealer was again? And where does he live? And how’d you get in contact with him? And how does he get his weed? Damn, that is cool. Continue reading

Talking to Fozzie Bear about Rape Jokes & Rape Culture

wockawocka

An online controversy about the ‘legitimacy’ of Rape Jokes in our culture and specifically in our Comedy Community has erupted online recently as well as several times throughout the past year, I wanted to talk to a true comedy veteran about the “Rape Joke Debate” and the importance of showing tact and restraint in Comedy.  I could think of no better comedian, than Fozzie Bear.

AbominableIndustries:  Fozzie, do you think comedians should be able to say whatever they want to say without any repercussions whatsoever?

Fozzie Bear:  Why would you need ‘raper cushions’ to tell jokes on stage? Ah-ahhhhh!

AbominableIndustries:  What? Did you really mishear me or are you making a jo-

Fozzie Bear:  Wocka wocka!

AbominableIndustries:  It seems like there’s a real debate happening right now over “Rape Jokes,” with a heated discussion on both sides, so it’d be nice to get a sincere answer.

Fozzie Bear:  Well, there’s no real debate here. No one has the right to tell anyone that they can’t say something. That’s just a thing for people, comics, muppets, weirdos, whoever.  And for comedians, we obviously don’t want our audience to have a bad time.  To lecture comedians that they need to think before they speak… as if that’s not an incredibly basic thing that one would do before talking out loud to a group of people or muppets, is insulting and naive.  So, what’re we even talking about this for?

AbominableIndustries:  Well, it’s become a much talked about issue, crossing out of the internet blogosphere, it was featured on FX talk show Totally Biased with W. Kamau Bell, where feminist blogger Lindy West debated comic Jim Norton on Rape Jokes, as well as being a featured discussion on podcasts and radio shows.

Fozzie Bear:  Well, didn’t Lindy West mention in that “debate” and in her articles that she’s not for “censorship” and she’s not telling anyone they can’t say something?

AbominableIndustries:  Well, that was part of it, yes…

Fozzie Bear:  And her opinion was that rape references were hurtful to a large percentage of our population, including potential audiences, so white male comics should think about what they say before they say it.  Which… is reasonable, a little bit of a weird distinction she made there, but pretty reasonable.  Where’s the debate?

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Fozzie Bear has on Stage Meltdown © 2006 Buzzington Post

The following article is being reposted from the now defunct BuzzingtonPost © 2006.  The article originally appeared on November 6th, 2006.  We’ve reprinted it here as a reference point and addendum to the recent interview Fozzie Bear had with us, regarding a different comedy controversy.   You can read that interview HERE.

FozzieBearHand

Warning: The following article contains an ageist epithet and language of hate. Although censored for the majority of the article, we felt it necessary to include the initial said epithet for accuracy’s sake.

LOS ANGELES – Fozzie Bear exploded in anger as he performed at famous L.A. comedy club “The Comedy Store” Friday (10/27), hurling ageist epithets in a tirade that left the crowd gasping in shock, instead of laughter.  Although it is only a matter of time before we obtain the video, we as of yet do not have video confirmation of the incident.

Fozzie Bear played the wacky character “Fozzie the Bear” for six years on The Muppet Show and in countless films afterwards, appeared onstage at The Comedy Store in West Hollywood. Reportedly, he started being heckled by a pair of older white gentlemen from some of the cheaper seats up in the rafters.  Fozzie ignored their initial attacks until he was baited with what turned out to be a false compliment.  The hecklers laughed and one of them said loudly for all to hear that “Hey that wasn’t half bad.”

For the first time in the evening, Fozzie looked towards his attackers, offering up a feeble “thanks guys, I knew you’d come around.”  If only he knew the punchline to come, possibly this whole mess could have been avoided.

“Actually,” said the other gentleman, “it was ALL bad!”

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Sonnets I Wrote at Age 17 About Boys by Ali Barthwell

On The Boys, The Men, and Those Not Quite Either

Ali Barthwell, Age 17, River Forest, Illinois

I. The Smart One
1. His arms are made of ginger ale:
Mama’s failsafe cure for a stomachache
I’ve been aching for someone like him.
He’s what they should put in college
Viewbooks, but pictures can’t capture how
his lips smell of bone: something older
and stronger than me. His mouth feels like
Nail polish: thick, smooth.
We’ve been waiting for someone like us.
A girl in glasses ardently seeking
boy made of the stuff schools like this are
built on to sit under unused lights in a room
Where a life like the one we need can bloom.

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19 Rejected Monologue Jokes from 2 Weeks Ago by Samuel Priest

rejectedmonologues

Samuel Priest was a contributor to the Whiskey Journal Live show, a live talk show currently on hiatus.  These are 19 rejected monologue jokes that were submitted for the last two weeks of shows.  They were rejected for being “not exactly what we’re looking for here, Sam, we were thinking something smarter.  And if not that, something that would appeal to the 18 to 24 demo, you know pop culture references, have you heard of Lady Gaga?”

 

-Netflix released 14 new episodes of “Arrested Development” on Sunday, in case you hadn’t heard from your facebook or twitter feeds, the internet is really set to explode the NEXT week when the same Arrested Development episodes are released, but this time the soundtrack is that new Daft Punk album.

-The Dalia Lama said last week that killing in the name of religion was just ‘unthinkable’, well thanks a lot, Mr. Lama, now that’s ALL I can think of.

-The parents of honey boo boo got married last week, finally answering the question “if our gross voyeuristic sideshow culture records two idiots getting married in the woods, do we make it an hour long special or a half hour that runs during sweeps?”

-A recent report said almost half of Americans say that growing marijuana should be legal. The other half said “hey, take me off of this calling list” and hung up.

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Sasquatch Spotted in Old Town Chicago

sasquatchwells

CHICAGO, IL — Staff photographer Samuel Priest was on hand earlier today in the Old Town neighborhood of Chicago, IL to catch a glimpse of what locals are calling an “Urban Sasquatch” and perhaps the first photographic evidence.

There’s been some controversy regarding the name, with some citing racist undertones in regards to the modern usage of the word ‘urban’ deeming it ‘inappropriate’ and ‘unacceptable.’  This seems to be the first photographic proof, and if one local’s opinion that the Sasquatch is indeed “hailing a cab,” this will provide some credence to adding the “Urban” nomenclature to the creature’s name.  Another local, however, disagreed saying, “he looked like he was waving to someone he thought he recognized across the street, but then realized that he didn’t know the person, so he turned it into a slight stretch, so he’s not embarrassed, but he was too late and I saw the whole thing!”

Local Area Chubby Boy Claims T-Shirt Is New Bathing Suit by Andy Kushnir

chubbyPARK RIDGE, IL — Poised to take the summer by storm, 12-year-old Jared Lasser told Park Ridge Aquatic Club pool officials Monday that he was excited to show off his brand new bathing suit that will cover the entirety of his gelatinous belly and arms. “It’s pretty cool and fits me perfectly– they’re all the rage over in Europe.” Lasser said of his white Big Dog t-shirt that shows his puffy nipples after it gets wet. “It’s actually way easier to swim in! Not like those lame swimsuits that only cover your legs. What I’m doing is cool.” When reached for comment, the 7th grade baseball team said they fully intend to pull up his shirt and twist his nipples from a light pink to a deep purple. At press time, Lasser could be found getting his ass handed to him in a chicken fight.

Regarding the Recent Office Pranks by Samuel Priest

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Alright everyone, now this isn’t an official office meeting. Consider this “off the record” so to speak. If you’re ahead of me here, you probably know this has to do with the increasing number of pranks that have been happening around the office lately. Also, some of you may be wondering if this has to do with some of our corporate higher ups visiting me this afternoon in what will possibly be the final step in me getting a promotion.

They are related, yes.

I would like to humbly request we cut back on the office pranks this afternoon to the point of zero. I’d like zero office pranks to happen today. And, yes I know, me just suggesting this would make an office prank at my expense all the funnier were it to happen. But, I’m begging you, I need everything to go right this afternoon. It is a very important day for me. I’ve made certain arrangements to impress my bosses and they need to go off without a hitch. And yes, I do realize that by making the stakes higher for me and my day to go prank free, I’m probably tempting someone even more. I can only assume a direct proportional urge to prank me increases the more and more serious I make my desire to not be pranked. I’m acknowledging that, but also asking, “Please can we not have any office pranks today?”

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