Ladies and Gentlemen of the Honorable State of Mississippi,
As you may have read in the Clarion Ledger, Vicksburg Post, or Mother Jones (Jokes! Total Jokes, you guys!), the Supreme Court ruled this week that the Section 4 of the Voting Rights Act is unconstitutional, meaning that fine, traditional states such as Mississippi, Texas, Alabama, and Arizona are no longer required to submit our voting regulations to scrutiny by the federal government. In other words, Uncle Sam can take that thumb he’s using to squash all us Good Ole’ Southerners down with, and stick it up his Yankee ass!
Dear Mississippians, this is what our brave ancestors fought so hard for in the War of Northern Aggression. As we shockingly still teach in our public schools, the “Civil War” wasn’t about racial injustice or white supremacy or none of that mumbo jumbo–it was about states’ rights. And now, thanks to this landmark decision, our states finally have the rights to adjust our voting laws to promote racial injustice, white supremacy, and all of that mumbo jumbo!
And now, enumerated below in fancy internet bullet points, are just a few of the new voting laws to be in effect immediately in the Magnolia State.
- You can either get gay married or you can vote. Don’t screw this one up.
- Before you vote, you have to get blindfolded, put your forehead on the end of a baseball bat, spin around three times, and carry a potbelly pig to the County Hospital and Dairy Outpost and back. At the end of all that, if you’re still black you can’t vote. Sorry–them’s the rules.
- Did White Jesus visit you in your dreams last night? Well then come on in–there’s a glass o’ sweet tea waitin’ for ya.
- Hey, are you the jackass that let Garth Brooks run around pretending to be some kind o’ Chris Gaines? Yeah–not in my voting booth.
- Try tellin’ me this ain’t the best corn pone you ever tasted.
- The first person who can explain to me why I’m not allowed to say “uppity” anymore gets two votes.
- If you never made it to State, you might as well just stay at home. This here booth is for winners only.
- Deer Season Special: When you take down a buck, you get one vote per point on the antlers. Caveat: If you even graze a foal or a doe, you can never vote in my state again because those are beautiful innocent creatures and I’m really sensitive about stuff like that.
- I know, right? It’s my mama’s recipe. It’s good corn pone.
Pretty reasonable, I think. Now that we don’t need to run this stuff by the FedeREAL DUMBerment (got ’em), this’ll all be law by Mondey. If you got any questions, read it again, Einstein!
One Love, Y’all,
The Honorable Governor Phil Bryant, Home Run King