Regarding the Recent Office Pranks by Samuel Priest



Alright everyone, now this isn’t an official office meeting. Consider this “off the record” so to speak. If you’re ahead of me here, you probably know this has to do with the increasing number of pranks that have been happening around the office lately. Also, some of you may be wondering if this has to do with some of our corporate higher ups visiting me this afternoon in what will possibly be the final step in me getting a promotion.

They are related, yes.

I would like to humbly request we cut back on the office pranks this afternoon to the point of zero. I’d like zero office pranks to happen today. And, yes I know, me just suggesting this would make an office prank at my expense all the funnier were it to happen. But, I’m begging you, I need everything to go right this afternoon. It is a very important day for me. I’ve made certain arrangements to impress my bosses and they need to go off without a hitch. And yes, I do realize that by making the stakes higher for me and my day to go prank free, I’m probably tempting someone even more. I can only assume a direct proportional urge to prank me increases the more and more serious I make my desire to not be pranked. I’m acknowledging that, but also asking, “Please can we not have any office pranks today?”

At this point, I’ve talked so long about requesting you not to do something, it must seem like I’m daring you to do that very something. And, it would seem perfectly fitting for this speech to end when I get pranked. To address both those points, I am not daring you to do anything, and I have an ending in mind already, and although it will probably not be as satisfying as me being pranked after a long speech about desiring not to be pranked, it is the ending I would prefer. No office pranks today, please.

I do hope you appreciate my civil tone. I definitely didn’t want to get mad or raise my voice or come off as a jerk, because I know, I’d basically just be asking to be pranked. I’m also trying hard not to come off as superior or to have an overly pompous attitude. I’ve kept mentions of my salary as it relates to yours or anything like that off the table. The exception of course, was when it needed to be mentioned that I’m possibly on the verge of a major promotion and thus a salary increase this afternoon when some corporate higher ups are visiting, unless of course something crazy or wacky were to happen and give them the impression I do not have control over my own office staff.

And this is unrelated, but in a little bit of a weird planning mix up, I also have my father-in-law visiting from out of town. He’s never really approved of me marrying his daughter and he kind of views me as a bit of a screw up. He tends to walk in on me at just the wrong time and and then will storm off in shock or anger before I can even explain the strange context he’s accidentally witnessed. So, if he does for some reason show up early, please message me or sit him down in one of the conference rooms. I don’t need him going around opening random doors and seeing things out of context at what I can assume would be the worst possible moment.

Actually, now that I just said all of that, I’m realizing the temptation to prank me is probably at its peak. Let me try to nip that in the bud and say, “Please don’t prank me.” I consider some of you to be personal friends of mine, and although I’d eventually get over it, and probably see the humor in pranking me on such an important day with some proper distance behind me, today I definitely would not appreciate it. Please don’t prank me.

I should also announce, since I’ve got you all here, that the company will no longer be sponsoring any recreational sports leagues. We’re going over our allotted budget in a couple key categories. Namely, workplace positivity slash recreational funds. In parenthesis behind that is the word “pranks.” We’ve gone way over our “prank budget” apparently. There’s possibly also going to be some layoffs coming next quarter. I’m just the messenger. And although maybe a nicely timed office prank would be a great way to send a message to upper management directly in front of upper management, for my sake, I’m asking you, please don’t prank me. We all have to tighten our belt. We can get through this day.

Please don’t prank me.

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