19 Rejected Monologue Jokes from 2 Weeks Ago by Samuel Priest

rejectedmonologues

Samuel Priest was a contributor to the Whiskey Journal Live show, a live talk show currently on hiatus.  These are 19 rejected monologue jokes that were submitted for the last two weeks of shows.  They were rejected for being “not exactly what we’re looking for here, Sam, we were thinking something smarter.  And if not that, something that would appeal to the 18 to 24 demo, you know pop culture references, have you heard of Lady Gaga?”

 

-Netflix released 14 new episodes of “Arrested Development” on Sunday, in case you hadn’t heard from your facebook or twitter feeds, the internet is really set to explode the NEXT week when the same Arrested Development episodes are released, but this time the soundtrack is that new Daft Punk album.

-The Dalia Lama said last week that killing in the name of religion was just ‘unthinkable’, well thanks a lot, Mr. Lama, now that’s ALL I can think of.

-The parents of honey boo boo got married last week, finally answering the question “if our gross voyeuristic sideshow culture records two idiots getting married in the woods, do we make it an hour long special or a half hour that runs during sweeps?”

-A recent report said almost half of Americans say that growing marijuana should be legal. The other half said “hey, take me off of this calling list” and hung up.

-A Victoria’s Secret model went with a high school senior to prom this weekend after he filmed a YouTube video asking her out. He tried to get to second base after the prom, but she didn’t check her twitter replies until the day after, at which time he’d already posted his blue balls on snapchat.

-The mayor of San Diego is vowing to get rid of the bird smell from a popular beach. His plan? A lot of green pigs. Birds. Hate. Green. Pigs.

-Police in Florida are Looking for a Man Wanted For Cannonballing On Top of Manatees.  Taking a page from popular television and movie dramas, to catch the culprit the police are working with a girl from Singapore who used to Jackknife on top of porpoises.  Hashtag.  Hannibal.

-A Chicago man was charged with arson this week after police say he set a boat worth $1 million dollars on fire. Even worse, the gasoline he used… laced with caviar and stem cells.

-A mom in Virginia was arrested after mooning children on a school bus. Police officers said they could have dismissed the act as just childish mischief, but some of the children apparently saw some sun rays that looked suspiciously liked hot wet pussy lips.

-Luxury spending is expected to increase in America this year, with brands like Prada and Burberry predicting higher revenues. Also, some guy keeps lighting million dollar boats on fire.

-The 97th Indianapolis 500 took place this weekend. It becomes one of Indiana’s longest traditions, joining corn-growing, racism, and bad parenting.

-A heckler repeatedly interrupted President Obama last week during a major speech on national security. The heckler was apparently egged on by a friend who dared him to do “I don’t know, something ironic.”

-A woman in North Carolina was arrested last week after police say she tried to poison her family with tainted cheese. Excuse me, I’m sorry that was EHN EHN… Tainted LOVE.

-A recent study says that helicopter parents who are overly attentive to their kids generally make the children narcissistic and anxious. So, good news to deadbeat dads and inattentive mothers, you didn’t over-parent.

-A woman in North Carolina was arrested last week after police say she tried to poison her family with tainted cheese. Silver lining though, she considers mice to be her family. This woman is deranged.

-Bob Dole made headlines over the weekend by saying that Ronald Reagan wouldn’t make it in today’s republican party and the GOP should shut down and be quote “Closed for Repairs”. It marked a strange moment for the republican party, if there’s any group they thought they would be free from hearing criticism from, it was the old white man who’s out of touch with reality group.

-A woman in North Carolina was arrested last week after police say she tried to poison her family with tainted cheese. The woman said she didn’t want to serve the tainted cheese, but couldn’t think of anything else to pare with stale crackers and putrid wine.

-Amid Violent Protests, the First Gay Wedding took place in France this week, the cause for outrage? Not enough berets or baguettes!  France!

-Just 24 hours after winning the Miss Universe Canada pageant on Saturday, organizers told the winner that she actually finished in fourth place, due to a computer error, and she had to give the crown back. Bad news for her, but good news for new first place winner Susan Burns, who was previously only known for her Canadian Computer Hacking Skills.

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