No, I’m Not a Scientist, but I Know a Mermaid When I See One, and I Was Definitely Having Sex with a Mermaid

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Ok guys, I feel like I’m talking in circles here.  From the top, once more.  What I was doing… down by the beach, was actually a very tender, loving moment, not drunken lewd behavior culminating in a solo sexual act.  That’s ridiculous.  No, I don’t have any photographic proof or physical evidence that I was with a half human, half fish, but you’re just going to have to trust me.  
 
I’m not a scientist, but I know a mermaid when I see one, and I was definitely having sex with a mermaid.  
 
Oh, I wish!  I wish I was just an inebriated man who was confused and was in a bad place and saw a pile of cluttered sea shells and decided to just give it a go.  I wish that was the case.  Oh man, how I wish that. 
I should be mad at you guys!  Coming over here, scaring off my mermaid love that I had JUST found.  What if she is so scarred from this experience she never comes to the surface again?  Do you know how tortured I’ll be?  A potential new love of my life, forever doomed to stay in the sea.  What if I never get her back? 

Maybe you guys have set me off on a terrible journey where I spend the rest of my life trying to build new elaborate sea exploration vehicles to find my now lost mermaid love.  And I age and lose all my savings and my friendships deteriorate, and I have one of those weird sandy white stubble beards and I’m constantly banging my fist down on counters and things.  All because you couldn’t mind your own business. 
 
Yeah, I am going through a divorce right now.  I don’t see what that has to do with anything, and why would you even know that?  Oh, well, hey Jerry.  I wasn’t expecting to see a next door neighbor when I’m not, y’know… in the neighborhood, sorry.  Like when you’re little and you see a teacher in the supermarket, that sort of thing… and you could have identified yourself sooner.  The way you guys are peering over me right now, you’re basically silhouettes anyway.  Sorry I didn’t recognize your shadow, Jerry! 
 
No, the divorce is not going smoothly.  What kind of question is that?  Is that a joke?  Listen, I don’t have to take your attitude here, as far as I’m concerned this was a weird misunderstanding, nothing more.  I’m sorry you thought something weird was happening down here, but this is basically a private little area of the beach and you witnessed two consenting adults, one being an adult mermaid, making love.  And you ruined it.  So how about we all just move on, huh? 
 
I’m not going to stand up and leave WITH you.  I’m gonna stay down here until you guys leave.  You interrupted me, remember?  No, I’m not still erect.  If I was, it’d be my business anyway.  That’s a personal question.   
 
I’m staying here and waiting for that mermaid to come back.  I’m not ‘sticking’ to any story.  That’s what happened, Jerry.  I know a goddamn mermaid when I see one.  Just get out of here, alright? 
I’m not going to give you my word that after you guys leave, I won’t push a small pile of sand together and start having sex with it.  Do you hear yourself?  That’s a crazy sentence.  Just trust me, I was making love with a mermaid and starting the next phase of my life.  Get out of here, guys, everything’s fine, hopefully she returns. 

If you do hear me engaging in a sexual act of any kind, you can bet that mermaid has come back, and I’m having sex with it.  So please, just leave me alone.  It’s been a rough week.  I need this.

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