Sex Store Black Out by Samuel Priest

I wrote this a year ago.

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An Owl Reviews Delivery Pizza from Domino’s

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Domino’s Pizza Delivery – Medium Pepperoni & Bacon Hand Tossed Pizza w/Breadsticks.

On a surprisingly hot, but quite pleasant early autumn afternoon, I decided to treat myself to some pizza for lunch. It was Friday after all, the end of a hectic work week. And by work, I basically mean, sitting in trees and occasionally flying around sporadically. I wanted something cheap and easy, but still delicious, like a field mouse but NOT a field mouse if you get what I’m saying. I’m an owl. I remember seeing some commercials for a company telling me that their pizza wasn’t very good, but they were working on it and that apparently they were putting a guarantee on the box that the pizza was now good, especially compared to how it used to be. Well, what’s good for the goose (my friend Sperel, who is a goose, and likes Domino’s) is good for the Gander (my friend Steve Gander, who is also a goose), so I decided that Domino’s it would be.

Finding a coupon online, I ordered 2 medium 2 topping pizzas, some would take this opportunity to try two different types of pizza, but I’m a fan of stocking up. So I ordered a pepperoni & bacon and a pepperoni & bacon. And some breadsticks. If you haven’t ordered online from Domino’s in a while, you’re in for a treat. Not only is the process quick and easy, but after placing your order, you’ll be taken to a screen that updates you in the pizza making process and informs you exactly what state your almost delivered pizza is in, whether that’s in the “making stage” or the “baking stage” or… “on it’s way.” This is an example of technology done right. Some would say it’s an unnecessary convenience. But, I’m often amused by bright lights being flashed on me in the middle of the evening, because I’m an owl. So, I enjoyed it.

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A Dumb White Guy defends Miley Cyrus’s VMA Performance as “Fine”

Miley Cyrus @ the 2013 MTV Video Music Awards

Oooo… okay. Now maybe, uh… obviously I’m coming at it from a different place, but um… I didn’t think it was that bad of a thing? I mean, I guess I didn’t care, uh… is what I’m trying to say.

Do I think she was objectified? Uh, I mean… not really. She was the one dancing, yknow? Seemed like she was having a good time, or at least trying to look like she was. She stuck her tongue out for like 70% of it, right? So… maybe she was just being silly. Yeah, you know what, isn’t she kind of a funny girl or something? I feel like I saw an interview once where she seemed to have a sense of humor about herself. So maybe she was just goofing around out there. I don’t know. I mean, I’m a dumb white guy, so y’know.

What? Well, yeah, maybe MTV exploited it a little bit, but uh… seemed like it was on her terms, I guess. I mean, she’s 20 years old, when I was in high school it was a 16 year old Britney Spears and they had countdown clocks til she was 18 so they could get some upskirt shots and stuff. Anyway, that stuff is way grosser. The paparazzi photo flashes and all that. That bugs me, and I’m way over here yknow, being a dumb white guy.

Slut shaming? Who’s saying that? No, I didn’t read any articles about it. Well, Tracy McGrady retired. So, I was looking at youtube clips all morning. 13 points in 35 seconds, man. Why is it called slut shaming? Seems like a bad name. Maybe just call it “fun girl shaming”? I mean, I don’t know, I’m a dumb white guy, so I don’t know. It just doesn’t hit my ear right. Slut shaming. Yuck.

I’m not mad at her. I don’t know why other people would be mad. Who cares, right? A 20 year old girl dancing.

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The Next Batman by Ali Barthwell

I woke up yesterday morning and saw that my Facebook feed had exploded because a new Batman had been announced. All my nerdy friends and ex-boyfriends were outraged and shocked that Ben Affleck was going to be stepping in as the Caped Crusader in the upcoming Batman-Superman (or Superman-Batman depending on your preferences) film announced for 2015.

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Your New Batman, America

I can imagine that my friends were upset because Ben Affleck will be 43 years old when he puts on the cowl or that Affleck’s other super hero venture, Daredevil, was considered a huge flop or that Affleck’s career almost came to a Jennifer-Lopez-music-video-appearing halt in the early 2000’s and he resurfaced as a viable Hollywood force not as an actor but a director.

I was upset because it’s time for a Black Batman.
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No, I’m Not a Scientist, but I Know a Mermaid When I See One, and I Was Definitely Having Sex with a Mermaid

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Ok guys, I feel like I’m talking in circles here.  From the top, once more.  What I was doing… down by the beach, was actually a very tender, loving moment, not drunken lewd behavior culminating in a solo sexual act.  That’s ridiculous.  No, I don’t have any photographic proof or physical evidence that I was with a half human, half fish, but you’re just going to have to trust me.  
 
I’m not a scientist, but I know a mermaid when I see one, and I was definitely having sex with a mermaid.  
 
Oh, I wish!  I wish I was just an inebriated man who was confused and was in a bad place and saw a pile of cluttered sea shells and decided to just give it a go.  I wish that was the case.  Oh man, how I wish that. 

DickGhost – a Sketch by Samuel Priest

This posting is a preliminary step before a kickstarter campaign to fund the filming and making of this comedy sketch.  Think of this as an exploratory committee.  Please RT. 

DICKGHOST
July 27, 2013
By Samuel Priest

Cast
KEVIN
MICHAEL

(INT. A BOYS BEDROOM – Dimly Lit)

KEVIN
Oh man, I can’t believe your mom let you get one of these!

MICHAEL
I know right???

BOTH
Ouija Board!!!

MICHAEL
Alright, what’re we going to ask it?

KEVIN
Let’s ask if there’s a spirit in the room!

MICHAEL
Okay! Put both your hands on it!

(KEVIN & MICHAEL’s hands move as one on the Ouija board moving from letter to letter)

BOTH
D. . . I . . . C . . . K . . . S

(KEVIN & MICHAEL BOTH LAUGH)

KEVIN
Dicks!

MICHAEL
Good one!

KEVIN
Okay, let’s just try it again

BOTH
D… I… C… K… S…

MICHAEL
Hey, c’mon-

KEVIN
What? I thought that was you.

MICHAEL
That’ wasnt me, i thought it was you!

KEVIN
Let’s go again.

BOTH
D… I… C…

KEVIN
Hey! Let’s do it for real!

MICHAEL
I was! I thought you were moving it!!

KEVIN
Well, I wasn’t! I thought you were!

(beat.)

MICHAEL
Maybe we should ask it some different questions?

(a Quick montage beings as we hear upbeat music and we hear the boys say “What is your name?” “How did you die?” “How old were you when you died?” over moving images of them moving the ouija board piece and the letters “D” “I” “C” “K” “S” coming up, along with the boys getting frustrated)

KEVIN
Ugh! This stupid thing is busted!

MICHAEL
Well, on the bright side, maybe this means there’s no such thing as ghosts.

(A glowing figure appears behind them, from the shadows, ghostly in appearance, but with many strewn dicks adorning him and making up it’s body)

DICKGHOST
Diiiiiiiiiiccccccckkkkkkksssssss!!!!!!!!

(fin.)

An Artist Rendering of Possible DickGhost

An Artist Rendering of Possible DickGhost

 

 

The Assessment of 27 Birthdays by Michael Blomquist

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My birthday is on Saturday. My golden birthday. I thought I would check in to see how I felt on each of my birthdays leading up to this one.

  1. Bada.
  2. My teeth hurt.
  3. Walking is hard.
  4. Note to self: Do not hit kid with putter because he cut in front of you at putt-putt.
  5. School is hard.
  6. America Online?
  7. Why is my wee wee doing that?
  8. There aren’t that many people at my party this year.
  9. Why are kids calling me fat?
  10. Why are kids calling me fat?
  11. Man, I’m fat.
  12. What up, girl? Oh, that’s right. I’m fat.
  13. Oh, that’s why it does that.
  14. At least my dog came to hang out.
  15. Man, high school is hard.
  16. What up, girl? Yeah, I got a car. Yes. I am still fat. That’s right.
  17. Hey, I’m not fat anymore! What? I’m getting braces?
  18. Fuck. I’m going to college with braces.
  19. Thank God I figured out how to work that thing.
  20. This was a good one.
  21. Hi, Scotch, nice to meet you.
  22. What up, girl? You want to have sex? You do? Um… coooool…
  23. Life! Here I come!
  24. Man, life is hard.
  25. At least I can rent a car.
  26. Prometheus is really not a very good movie.
  27. Hopeful?

Vietnam Veteran with PTSD Yelps Applebee’s by Andy Kushnir

I have been a loyal patron of the Applebee’s franchise since its’ inception back in 1980. My wife and I make the trip to Decatur, Georgia each year to the birthplace of the first bees in order to pay our respects. Now while we weren’t starving, we were looking for a little nosh. We hadn’t been to this particular location in Brooklyn’s Coney Island neighborhood, but I figured we were safe under the comforting umbrella that is the Applebee’s pursuit of deliciousness.

In my years of patronage I pretty much know the routine at Applebee’s, the décor is fun and family friendly, the wait-staff is energetic and young, and while that 2 for $20 deal might be light on your wallet, it sure is heavy on the ol’ breadbasket! Continue reading

An Owl Reviews a Local Pizza + Wine Bar

an Owl Reviews A Local Pizza + Wine Bar

A Semi-Fracas at Frasca’s

by Samson Owlson

After being initially being turned away at the door for what I suspect was too “owl-like of an appearance”, I was only able to gain entry into this fine Roscoe Village “Pizza + Wine Bar” eatery after returning in a trench coat, straw fedora, and what I can only describe as a “comically over-sized mustache.” Needless to say, these lengths are not always convenient to attain. Although, my experience will quite possibly not resemble your own, as I’m an owl, I would insist you not visit Frasca’s unless you have enough time to make at least one if not two costume changes to ensure your entrance into the restaurant.

I wish I could say that was the end of my troubles. Unfortunately, after finally being seated, the waitstaff repeatedly kept asking if I was an owl in a trench coat. And although their level of suspicion was warranted, me actually being an owl in a trench coat and all, their constant questioning and the passive aggressive way “there are no field mice on the menu” was mentioned seemed irritatingly non-confrontational and unprofessional. This behavior continued throughout the meal, tainting what otherwise was a fantastic dining experience.

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Happy Fourth of July, Tonto! by Ali Barthwell

Summer has officially begun and that means the arrival of the summer blockbuster. Several movies have already premiered to big box office returns: Fast & Furious 6, Man of Steel, Star Trek Into Darkness, World War Z.

Fourth of July weekend has always been an important movie release weekend. Classic, enduring, and larger than life stories make box office history being released on this patriotic holiday. Famous Independence Day releases include Men In Black I and II, Spiderman 2, Terminator 2: Judgment Day, and Transformers. Movies released during this weekend are often larger than life action movies that deal with such powerful and distinctly American themes of independence, patriotism, exceptionalism, singlehandedly saving the entire world, and cowboys. Ex: The Patriot, Wild Wild West, Independence Day, Kit Kittredge: American Girl.

Blockbusters like Despicable Me 2 and Kevin Hart’s Let Me Explain will burst into theaters this weekend and thrillers like White House Down hope to keep raking in the dough. But there’s one more very special film opening this holiday: The Lone Ranger.

The film revitalizes the Lone Ranger character, popular from TV and radio. Armie Hammer (The Social Network) stars as the masked ex-Texas Ranger and Johnny Depp (Anything by Tim Burton) appears as his Comanche companion, Tonto.

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As we prepare our grills and pools for fun in the sun and line up to buy a ticket for The Lone Ranger, I have one thing to say : Are we fucking serious, America?

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