Editorial

The Next Batman by Ali Barthwell

I woke up yesterday morning and saw that my Facebook feed had exploded because a new Batman had been announced. All my nerdy friends and ex-boyfriends were outraged and shocked that Ben Affleck was going to be stepping in as the Caped Crusader in the upcoming Batman-Superman (or Superman-Batman depending on your preferences) film announced for 2015.

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Your New Batman, America

I can imagine that my friends were upset because Ben Affleck will be 43 years old when he puts on the cowl or that Affleck’s other super hero venture, Daredevil, was considered a huge flop or that Affleck’s career almost came to a Jennifer-Lopez-music-video-appearing halt in the early 2000’s and he resurfaced as a viable Hollywood force not as an actor but a director.

I was upset because it’s time for a Black Batman.
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Happy Fourth of July, Tonto! by Ali Barthwell

Summer has officially begun and that means the arrival of the summer blockbuster. Several movies have already premiered to big box office returns: Fast & Furious 6, Man of Steel, Star Trek Into Darkness, World War Z.

Fourth of July weekend has always been an important movie release weekend. Classic, enduring, and larger than life stories make box office history being released on this patriotic holiday. Famous Independence Day releases include Men In Black I and II, Spiderman 2, Terminator 2: Judgment Day, and Transformers. Movies released during this weekend are often larger than life action movies that deal with such powerful and distinctly American themes of independence, patriotism, exceptionalism, singlehandedly saving the entire world, and cowboys. Ex: The Patriot, Wild Wild West, Independence Day, Kit Kittredge: American Girl.

Blockbusters like Despicable Me 2 and Kevin Hart’s Let Me Explain will burst into theaters this weekend and thrillers like White House Down hope to keep raking in the dough. But there’s one more very special film opening this holiday: The Lone Ranger.

The film revitalizes the Lone Ranger character, popular from TV and radio. Armie Hammer (The Social Network) stars as the masked ex-Texas Ranger and Johnny Depp (Anything by Tim Burton) appears as his Comanche companion, Tonto.

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As we prepare our grills and pools for fun in the sun and line up to buy a ticket for The Lone Ranger, I have one thing to say : Are we fucking serious, America?

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New Mississippi Voting Laws as of 6/28/2013, by Governor Phil Bryant

I look pretty nice in this one, don't I?

I look pretty nice in this one, don’t I?

 

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Honorable State of Mississippi,

As you may have read in the Clarion Ledger, Vicksburg Post, or Mother Jones (Jokes! Total Jokes, you guys!), the Supreme Court ruled this week that the Section 4 of the Voting Rights Act is unconstitutional, meaning that fine, traditional states such as Mississippi, Texas, Alabama, and Arizona are no longer required to submit our voting regulations to scrutiny by the federal government. In other words, Uncle Sam can take that thumb he’s using to squash all us Good Ole’ Southerners down with, and stick it up his Yankee ass!

Dear Mississippians, this is what our brave ancestors fought so hard for in the War of Northern Aggression. As we shockingly still teach in our public schools, the “Civil War” wasn’t about racial injustice or white supremacy or none of that mumbo jumbo–it was about states’ rights. And now, thanks to this landmark decision, our states finally have the rights to adjust our voting laws to promote racial injustice, white supremacy, and all of that mumbo jumbo!

And now, enumerated below in fancy internet bullet points, are just a few of the new voting laws to be in effect immediately in the Magnolia State.

  • You can either get gay married or you can vote. Don’t screw this one up.
  • Before you vote, you have to get blindfolded, put your forehead on the end of a baseball bat, spin around three times, and carry a potbelly pig to the County Hospital and Dairy Outpost and back. At the end of all that, if you’re still black you can’t vote. Sorry–them’s the rules.
  • Did White Jesus visit you in your dreams last night? Well then come on in–there’s a glass o’ sweet tea waitin’ for ya.
  • Hey, are you the jackass that let Garth Brooks run around pretending to be some kind o’ Chris Gaines? Yeah–not in my voting booth.
  • Try tellin’ me this ain’t the best corn pone you ever tasted.
  • The first person who can explain to me why I’m not allowed to say “uppity” anymore gets two votes.
  • If you never made it to State, you might as well just stay at home. This here booth is for winners only.
  • Deer Season Special: When you take down a buck, you get one vote per point on the antlers. Caveat: If you even graze a foal or a doe, you can never vote in my state again because those are beautiful innocent creatures and I’m really sensitive about stuff like that.
  • I know, right? It’s my mama’s recipe. It’s good corn pone.

Pretty reasonable, I think. Now that we don’t need to run this stuff by the FedeREAL DUMBerment (got ’em), this’ll all be law by Mondey. If you got any questions, read it again, Einstein!

One Love, Y’all,

The Honorable Governor Phil Bryant, Home Run King

The Definitive Guide to “Next Week on Mad Men,” Episode 607 by Benji Orlansky

Welcome back to The Definitive Guide to Next Week on Mad Men, your weekly guide to the popular web series, “Next Week on Mad Men” on amctv.com. I’d like to make a brief apology for last week’s Guide, as I did not accurately predict a “wacky madcap merger caper” episode, which ranks right up there with, “Don goes on a sexual journey and experiences no repercussions” and “someone dies and a bunch of rich white people pretend to be sad” as far as Mad Men episode archetypes are concerned.

That being said, this week’s episode of “Next Week on Mad Men” is a real doozy, so let’s get into it and figure out, definitively, what will happen on next week’s Mad Men.

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You’re Mad That Our Founding Fathers May Have Been Cannibals? Fuck You.

By Beez Waxman, Guest Contributor

Late last week, scientific findings seemed to point to the conclusion that our early American settlers cannibalized a 14 year old girl in Jamestown, one of America’s earliest settlements. Even though there have been references made to cannibalism in our nation’s history, these new solid findings sparked outrage and repulsion online. The New York Times were one of the first places to report the story, a link to that version is here: http://www.nytimes.com/2013/05/02/science/evidence-of-cannibalism-found-at-jamestown-site.html Guest Contributor Beez Waxman’s editorial is a response to online criticism, not of the article itself.

 

Beez Waxman

Beez Waxman

You’re mad that our founding fathers may have been cannibals? Fuck you.

Do you have any idea what real pain is? Have you ever known real struggle, what with your soft hands and your bulbous belly? Go fuck yourself, you and the rolly office chair you’re sitting in. You think you can judge the actions of starving people from a different time? Get fucked.

I’d tell you to imagine yourself in their shoes, but they were wearing completely different kinds of shoes.  I don’t know if you could even comprehend something outside of your cushy little life, what with your clean sidewalks and computer phones.  They had completely different shoes, you short sighted fuck.

What do you do during the day that you have time to get worked up over terrible things in history?  And why this?  There are a lot of terrible things that happened in history.

I bet you’re sitting on one of those fucking bouncy yoga balls at your office.  Continue reading

5 Predictions for Tonight’s Episode of Mad Men Based on the Web Series “Next Week on Mad Men”

Mad Men showrunner Matthew Weiner is famous for withholding spoilers and information surrounding his critically acclaimed period piece. In interviews, actors have admitted that they often don’t even know what will happen to them from episode to episode, let alone from scene to scene. However, did you know that Weiner lays out a clear outline of the next week’s episode on the internet? It’s in video form and everything, so you don’t have to bother with reading. Watch it here; I’ll wait.

See? Kinda makes you wonder if those actors are too busy sniffing glue or something to pay attention to their own show, right? Either way, for all you actor types out there, I’ll list five not-so-bold predictions for tonight’s show as clearly laid out in the above clip.

  1. Moved by hearing Don finally admit that he loved his son Bobby, Megan will suggest that Bobby come stay with them in the apartment for a while. As soon as Don realizes that he has to actually care for another human, he will realize that he was mistaken and will start fathering a different boy on the 24th floor.
  2. Fed up with being treated like a secretary, Joan will finally realize what separates her from her other partners: they all wear their hair down. That’s right–no more ponytails, buns or top knots for Joanie now; it’s down and breezy just like Bert Cooper and the rest of them.
  3. Roger will realize that he has slept with literally every woman in Manhattan, so just to have some fun for once he will have sex with that lady whose eulogy for his mother was rudely interrupted by a vomiting Don Draper. It will be OK. Whatever.
  4. In an effort to further become Don Draper, Pete Campbell will try drinking whiskey straight, and Trudy will be all the way in the suburbs when he needs help cleaning the spit-up off the crotch of his pants.
  5. Peggy’s real estate agent will move in with her and try to sell Peggy her own apartment. “It’s a lovely, Bohemian little space, but you’d better move fast because the owner’s a real uppity type, if you know what I mean.” Abe nods.

         “I want her out of here.” Peggy will scream.

That’s it, you guys. No need to watch Mad Men anymore. You’re welcome!