PARK RIDGE, IL — Poised to take the summer by storm, 12-year-old Jared Lasser told Park Ridge Aquatic Club pool officials Monday that he was excited to show off his brand new bathing suit that will cover the entirety of his gelatinous belly and arms. “It’s pretty cool and fits me perfectly– they’re all the rage over in Europe.” Lasser said of his white Big Dog t-shirt that shows his puffy nipples after it gets wet. “It’s actually way easier to swim in! Not like those lame swimsuits that only cover your legs. What I’m doing is cool.” When reached for comment, the 7th grade baseball team said they fully intend to pull up his shirt and twist his nipples from a light pink to a deep purple. At press time, Lasser could be found getting his ass handed to him in a chicken fight.