Lists

The Assessment of 27 Birthdays by Michael Blomquist

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My birthday is on Saturday. My golden birthday. I thought I would check in to see how I felt on each of my birthdays leading up to this one.

  1. Bada.
  2. My teeth hurt.
  3. Walking is hard.
  4. Note to self: Do not hit kid with putter because he cut in front of you at putt-putt.
  5. School is hard.
  6. America Online?
  7. Why is my wee wee doing that?
  8. There aren’t that many people at my party this year.
  9. Why are kids calling me fat?
  10. Why are kids calling me fat?
  11. Man, I’m fat.
  12. What up, girl? Oh, that’s right. I’m fat.
  13. Oh, that’s why it does that.
  14. At least my dog came to hang out.
  15. Man, high school is hard.
  16. What up, girl? Yeah, I got a car. Yes. I am still fat. That’s right.
  17. Hey, I’m not fat anymore! What? I’m getting braces?
  18. Fuck. I’m going to college with braces.
  19. Thank God I figured out how to work that thing.
  20. This was a good one.
  21. Hi, Scotch, nice to meet you.
  22. What up, girl? You want to have sex? You do? Um… coooool…
  23. Life! Here I come!
  24. Man, life is hard.
  25. At least I can rent a car.
  26. Prometheus is really not a very good movie.
  27. Hopeful?
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Things to Remember on this Memorial Day Weekend by Benji Orlansky

This Memorial Day, while you’re home from work and manning the grill and drinking an American Made Coors Original, make sure that you don’t lose sight of what this day is all about: remembering things.

Listen. We get it. We’re supposed to remember the troops on Memorial Day. With all due respect to those who have fallen while defending this great nation and her freedoms, I’d like to take just a moment to tell you that there’s a whole lot more to remember this weekend than just those men and women who are better men and women than we are.

  1. Wear sunscreen. Just because you don’t live with your mom anymore doesn’t mean that the sun isn’t still a major threat to your health. No need to go crazy with the SPF 75, but just put something on. And not “tanning oil;” that stuff’s just baby oil in a bottle with bananas on it. If you’re worried about getting enough Vitamin D, drink a glass of milk, ya dummy.
  2. The last four digits of your social security number. Remembering the whole thing is nice, but you can always look that up, and if you’re giving out your whole social security number more than once or twice or year, you’re basically begging to have your identity stolen. The last four is all you really need off hand. Trust me–I’m a Semite.
  3. The Alamo. You don’t need to know what it is (a fort or something), where it is (Texas), or who won it (not Texas). All you need to know is that it’s a thing (The Alamo) and that Ozzy Osborne peed on it once.
  4. Whether or not you have children, and if you do, the names of those children. There’s nothing worse than getting daydrunk at a barbeque for six hours and then realizing that there are smaller people back home who rely on you for protection, sustenance, and love. Before you pack up the cooler and head out for the day, check around the house to see if you have any rooms that are decorated with standard “boy” or “girl” themes. If so, there’s a good chance that you have at least one child. Use context clues, such as a birth certificate or a soccer jersey, to identify that child by name and tell them where you’ll be all day and where they can reach you in case they can’t find enough money to order a pizza.
  5. Whether or not Benjamin Franklin was a president. He wasn’t. Neither was Aaron Burr.
  6. The name of a senator from your state. Inevitably, at any party, a political discussion will break out, and some asshole will feel backed into a corner and say, “Well, I bet you can’t even name your own senator!” Don’t fall for that old trick. Do your research and consult this list of current U.S. senators.
  7. That time that you were rolling your teacher’s lawn and your teacher came out and CAUGHT you! So scary at the time, right?
  8. Who the Beatles are. They’re some band.
  9. Where you left your sunglasses. Uh, did you check your shirt pocket, Knucklehead?
  10. Whether or not you were supposed to bring something for the barbeque. The answer is always yes. And don’t fuck around with that store-bought potato salad in a tub stuff either–everyone always acts like they’re excited about it but nobody touches it because it’s disgusting. You know what nobody ever brings? A centerpiece. I don’t care how casual the event is; a tasteful centerpiece will make everyone feel like some thought went into the planning.

Times I Wish I Had a Boyfriend & Times I’m Glad I Don’t by Ali Barthwell

I Wish I Had a Boyfriend when:

  1. I’m sick and want someone to bring me hot & sour soup and watch episodes of Daria on the couch
  2. We need to fill seats at a show I’m in or our run will get cancelled
  3. I want a drink but don’t have any money
  4. I want dinner but don’t have any money
  5. I have to go to a wedding
  6. My family asks “When are you going to find someone?”
  7. I’m coming home drunk on the train and need someone to wake me up when it’s my stop
  8. My life is full of friends, family, work, and personal growth but I could use a snuggle buddy
  9. I realize just how much I’m spending on condoms a month
  10. I want to get laid but don’t want to work for it
  11. I want to see a movie starring Vin Diesel or “3D” in the title
  12. It’s cold outside
  13. I think that everything I’ve been doing is all for naught and should just go back to grad school because doesn’t that make sense? Oh god, am I really considering taking out student loans to go to grad school? Someone talk me out of going to grad school
  14. I’m reading a cookbook and none of the recipes serve one
  15. I want to get laid but I’m on my period

 

I’m Glad I Don’t Have a Boyfriend when:

  1. I need more time to figure out if this is a dress or a shirt in the dressing room at Forever 21
  2. Everyone is so cute
  3. Anyone is talking about Lebron James. Yes, he’s talented but a possible ego maniac and betrayed the poor people of Cleveland. Can we move on as a people?
  4. Game of Thrones is on and that’s Cersei, she’s the queen regent. She’s the blonde one; oh my god, you don’t remember? Jesus, this show is NOT that complicated. Why are you texting right now? You’re not even watching
  5. I read an advice column and someone signs their letter “Cheating in Chicago” and I live in Chicago
  6. A movie theater is doing a midnight showing of Spiceworld
  7. There’s a new cute guy working at the bar around the corner from my apartment
  8. Rompers are so comfortable
  9. I know I will get laid by a stranger tonight because I’m wearing my sexy dress and every other girl in this bar is a plain-ass brunette
  10. I see my friends latch on to doomed relationship after doomed relationship because they’re terrified to be alone

The Ultimate Summer Playlist by Benji Orlansky

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  1. “Steal My Sunshine (Extended Version)” by Len.
  2. “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” by Those in Attendance at a Montgomery Biscuits Game.
  3. “Steal My Sunshine (Radio Edit) by Len.
  4. “Burgers are Ready!” by Dad.
  5. “A Ukulele” by A Hawaiian Guy or Something.
  6. “Field Recording of Mixed-Race Children Playing in a Sprinkler.” by Benji Orlansky Anonymous.
  7. Rock music.
  8. “All of the Songs from The Very Best of Marshall Tucker Band Played on Separate Stereos at the Same Time” by the docks at 9:30.
  9. “Steal My Sunshine (Len Remix)” by Len.
  10. “Wait, Whose Faucet is This Sprinkler Plugged Into? Is That Stealing?” by Idiots Who Hate Fun.