Local News

Sasquatch Spotted in Old Town Chicago

sasquatchwells

CHICAGO, IL — Staff photographer Samuel Priest was on hand earlier today in the Old Town neighborhood of Chicago, IL to catch a glimpse of what locals are calling an “Urban Sasquatch” and perhaps the first photographic evidence.

There’s been some controversy regarding the name, with some citing racist undertones in regards to the modern usage of the word ‘urban’ deeming it ‘inappropriate’ and ‘unacceptable.’  This seems to be the first photographic proof, and if one local’s opinion that the Sasquatch is indeed “hailing a cab,” this will provide some credence to adding the “Urban” nomenclature to the creature’s name.  Another local, however, disagreed saying, “he looked like he was waving to someone he thought he recognized across the street, but then realized that he didn’t know the person, so he turned it into a slight stretch, so he’s not embarrassed, but he was too late and I saw the whole thing!”

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Local Area Chubby Boy Claims T-Shirt Is New Bathing Suit by Andy Kushnir

chubbyPARK RIDGE, IL — Poised to take the summer by storm, 12-year-old Jared Lasser told Park Ridge Aquatic Club pool officials Monday that he was excited to show off his brand new bathing suit that will cover the entirety of his gelatinous belly and arms. “It’s pretty cool and fits me perfectly– they’re all the rage over in Europe.” Lasser said of his white Big Dog t-shirt that shows his puffy nipples after it gets wet. “It’s actually way easier to swim in! Not like those lame swimsuits that only cover your legs. What I’m doing is cool.” When reached for comment, the 7th grade baseball team said they fully intend to pull up his shirt and twist his nipples from a light pink to a deep purple. At press time, Lasser could be found getting his ass handed to him in a chicken fight.