Vietnam Veteran with PTSD Yelps Applebee’s by Andy Kushnir

I have been a loyal patron of the Applebee’s franchise since its’ inception back in 1980. My wife and I make the trip to Decatur, Georgia each year to the birthplace of the first bees in order to pay our respects. Now while we weren’t starving, we were looking for a little nosh. We hadn’t been to this particular location in Brooklyn’s Coney Island neighborhood, but I figured we were safe under the comforting umbrella that is the Applebee’s pursuit of deliciousness.

In my years of patronage I pretty much know the routine at Applebee’s, the décor is fun and family friendly, the wait-staff is energetic and young, and while that 2 for $20 deal might be light on your wallet, it sure is heavy on the ol’ breadbasket!

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Let’s Get One Thing Straight: I Am Your Ugandan Cab Driver, Not Your Friend by Andy Kushnir

Hello, my name is Willy. It is short for a much longer Ugandan name. That is where I come from, Uganda. It is a country that has been torn apart by war, crime and drugs. The hardships my fam-ah-ly has seen is more than any human being should ever have to go through. So please do not get into my taxicab with your drunk female friends and say things like, “Willy, I thought we were friends!” after I have told you multiple times not to touch my radio. We are most certainly not friends.

Yes I Would Like More Drugs, But I Don’t Feel Comfortable Asking You Outright by Andy Kushnir

Hey roomie, you hanging out? Niiice, got some weeeeeeed, I see. Cool cool. VERY cool. Yeah, I don’t think I’m gonna go out tonight either. Probably just… kick it. Haha totally.

Just feel like puttin’ on some sweatpants and decompressing. I can see you’re doing the same. Yeah, you’re doin’ it right. Right-right-right. Woo, that stuff smells gooood. Real pungent. Mmhmm. Mmmmmmmm. Party time over here, am I right?

Wow, watching Avatar. Now that’s an experience. Vivid colors and long scenic shots, you’re in for a treat my friend. Ahhhh, yup yup. So who’d you say your dealer was again? And where does he live? And how’d you get in contact with him? And how does he get his weed? Damn, that is cool.

Local Area Chubby Boy Claims T-Shirt Is New Bathing Suit by Andy Kushnir

PARK RIDGE, IL — Poised to take the summer by storm, 12-year-old Jared Lasser told Park Ridge Aquatic Club pool officials Monday that he was excited to show off his brand new bathing suit that will cover the entirety of his gelatinous belly and arms. “It’s pretty cool and fits me perfectly– they’re all the rage over in Europe.” Lasser said of his white Big Dog t-shirt that shows his puffy nipples after it gets wet. “It’s actually way easier to swim in! Not like those lame swimsuits that only cover your legs. What I’m doing is cool.” When reached for comment, the 7th grade baseball team said they fully intend to pull up his shirt and twist his nipples from a light pink to a deep purple. At press time, Lasser could be found getting his ass handed to him in a chicken fight.

Objectified by Andy Kushnir

Great, we’re fighting again. I feel like it’s always around this time of year that we’re at each other’s throats. Maybe it’s the changing of the seasons or maybe I’ve got that seven-year-itch, but lately we just haven’t been clicking. We’re supposed to visit my mom this weekend, but I’m just not sure Steven and I can keep it together in front of her. The bickering over every little thing, the snarky retorts, arguing over where to order out from; it’s just becoming increasingly difficult to live with. Steven of course is my “World’s Best Dad” coffee mug that I legally married back in 2006.

The first few years of marriage were laden with affection, we couldn’t keep our hands off each other! All my friends were jealous in our unabashed desire. We never fought! We agreed on virtually everything! My penis and balls were the perfect circumference to fit inside the rim of his mug! 

Big Gun by Andy Kushnir

Hey y’all, I’m a big fuckin’ gun. I ain’t a small gun, nope. I’m a BIG fuckin’ gun. And let me tell you somethin’ y’all… I love bein’ me. But it seems like lately, everybody’s been all up in ARMS over me… sorry, that was a gun-pun, I love gun-puns y’all. Like, a lot.

But yeah, like why’s everybody mad at me and stuff? It’s like feast or famine over here ya know? Like you either love me or you hate me, like people aren’t this passionate about mayonnaise, and mayonnaise can kill you. Yeah, like if you leave mayo out for too long, harmful bacteria can build up and that stuff can make you sick and die. But if you take care of that mayo, and you refrigerate it, and you put it in the right hands, everybody’ll be safe. And then you’ll just have one bomb-ass sandwich.

Loser by Andy Kushnir

When I was in the first grade I was a bit overweight, chubby you might say, which I would then ask you why you’re making fun of a six-year-old with body issues. The thing is, I remember feeling overweight, which I think says a lot about me and how self-conscious or vain I might be depending on how you view body image concerns. I also was dying to be liked, and I don’t think that makes me different or anything. I think most of us have that inherent need to be beloved by our peers. I think that’s why I wrote this; to make you love me, and maybe tell your friends, who will then tell two friends… who will then tell two friends, and one day the whole wide world will love me.

So portly and desperate at a young age, I had to quickly figure out how I would make my mark before I was reduced to 1st grade loserdom. I took to telling jokes, but at the time I was shy and I didn’t have the courage to bomb, the only thing I feared more than being chubby was being the unfunny chubby kid.

Cuz I’m Ready For Love by Andy Kushnir

When I was 13 years old I got my first girlfriend, sorry that’s unfair, I earned my first girlfriend (that’s right fellas, ya gotta work to make it work). I had been doing reconnaissance for over two years on Jessica Nimms, cracking quip after quip, gauging her interest, and judging whether she too had a passion for Italian soccer. Unfortunately, she did not, but nevertheless a love bloomed, a love that was true, honest, and most of all consistently predictable. Those first few months were like a dream, we were the new hot couple at all the parties, our identities were now intertwined with one another, and when we walked into a room, Capri Sun was waiting for us on ice.