Family

Objectified by Andy Kushnir

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Great, we’re fighting again. I feel like it’s always around this time of year that we’re at each other’s throats. Maybe it’s the changing of the seasons or maybe I’ve got that seven-year-itch, but lately we just haven’t been clicking. We’re supposed to visit my mom this weekend, but I’m just not sure Steven and I can keep it together in front of her. The bickering over every little thing, the snarky retorts, arguing over where to order out from; it’s just becoming increasingly difficult to live with. Steven of course is my “World’s Best Dad” coffee mug that I legally married back in 2006.

The first few years of marriage were laden with affection, we couldn’t keep our hands off each other! All my friends were jealous in our unabashed desire. We never fought! We agreed on virtually everything! My penis and balls were the perfect circumference to fit inside the rim of his mug!  Continue reading

Loser by Andy Kushnir

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When I was in the first grade I was a bit overweight, chubby you might say, which I would then ask you why you’re making fun of a six-year-old with body issues. The thing is, I remember feeling overweight, which I think says a lot about me and how self-conscious or vain I might be depending on how you view body image concerns. I also was dying to be liked, and I don’t think that makes me different or anything. I think most of us have that inherent need to be beloved by our peers. I think that’s why I wrote this; to make you love me, and maybe tell your friends, who will then tell two friends… who will then tell two friends, and one day the whole wide world will love me.

So portly and desperate at a young age, I had to quickly figure out how I would make my mark before I was reduced to 1st grade loserdom. I took to telling jokes, but at the time I was shy and I didn’t have the courage to bomb, the only thing I feared more than being chubby was being the unfunny chubby kid. Continue reading