Welcome back to The Definitive Guide to Next Week on Mad Men, your weekly guide to the popular web series, “Next Week on Mad Men” on amctv.com. I’d like to make a brief apology for last week’s Guide, as I did not accurately predict a “wacky madcap merger caper” episode, which ranks right up there with, “Don goes on a sexual journey and experiences no repercussions” and “someone dies and a bunch of rich white people pretend to be sad” as far as Mad Men episode archetypes are concerned.
That being said, this week’s episode of “Next Week on Mad Men” is a real doozy, so let’s get into it and figure out, definitively, what will happen on next week’s Mad Men.
Mad Men showrunner Matthew Weiner is famous for withholding spoilers and information surrounding his critically acclaimed period piece. In interviews, actors have admitted that they often don’t even know what will happen to them from episode to episode, let alone from scene to scene. However, did you know that Weiner lays out a clear outline of the next week’s episode on the internet? It’s in video form and everything, so you don’t have to bother with reading. Watch it here; I’ll wait.
See? Kinda makes you wonder if those actors are too busy sniffing glue or something to pay attention to their own show, right? Either way, for all you actor types out there, I’ll list five not-so-bold predictions for tonight’s show as clearly laid out in the above clip.
- Moved by hearing Don finally admit that he loved his son Bobby, Megan will suggest that Bobby come stay with them in the apartment for a while. As soon as Don realizes that he has to actually care for another human, he will realize that he was mistaken and will start fathering a different boy on the 24th floor.
- Fed up with being treated like a secretary, Joan will finally realize what separates her from her other partners: they all wear their hair down. That’s right–no more ponytails, buns or top knots for Joanie now; it’s down and breezy just like Bert Cooper and the rest of them.
- Roger will realize that he has slept with literally every woman in Manhattan, so just to have some fun for once he will have sex with that lady whose eulogy for his mother was rudely interrupted by a vomiting Don Draper. It will be OK. Whatever.
- In an effort to further become Don Draper, Pete Campbell will try drinking whiskey straight, and Trudy will be all the way in the suburbs when he needs help cleaning the spit-up off the crotch of his pants.
- Peggy’s real estate agent will move in with her and try to sell Peggy her own apartment. “It’s a lovely, Bohemian little space, but you’d better move fast because the owner’s a real uppity type, if you know what I mean.” Abe nods.
“I want her out of here.” Peggy will scream.
That’s it, you guys. No need to watch Mad Men anymore. You’re welcome!