The Next Batman by Ali Barthwell

I woke up yesterday morning and saw that my Facebook feed had exploded because a new Batman had been announced. All my nerdy friends and ex-boyfriends were outraged and shocked that Ben Affleck was going to be stepping in as the Caped Crusader in the upcoming Batman-Superman (or Superman-Batman depending on your preferences) film announced for 2015.

Your New Batman, America

I can imagine that my friends were upset because Ben Affleck will be 43 years old when he puts on the cowl or that Affleck’s other super hero venture, Daredevil, was considered a huge flop or that Affleck’s career almost came to a Jennifer-Lopez-music-video-appearing halt in the early 2000’s and he resurfaced as a viable Hollywood force not as an actor but a director.

I was upset because it’s time for a Black Batman.

You’re Mad That Our Founding Fathers May Have Been Cannibals? Fuck You.

By Beez Waxman, Guest Contributor

Late last week, scientific findings seemed to point to the conclusion that our early American settlers cannibalized a 14 year old girl in Jamestown, one of America’s earliest settlements. Even though there have been references made to cannibalism in our nation’s history, these new solid findings sparked outrage and repulsion online. The New York Times were one of the first places to report the story, a link to that version is here: http://www.nytimes.com/2013/05/02/science/evidence-of-cannibalism-found-at-jamestown-site.html Guest Contributor Beez Waxman’s editorial is a response to online criticism, not of the article itself.

 

Beez Waxman

You’re mad that our founding fathers may have been cannibals? Fuck you.

Do you have any idea what real pain is? Have you ever known real struggle, what with your soft hands and your bulbous belly? Go fuck yourself, you and the rolly office chair you’re sitting in. You think you can judge the actions of starving people from a different time? Get fucked.

I’d tell you to imagine yourself in their shoes, but they were wearing completely different kinds of shoes.  I don’t know if you could even comprehend something outside of your cushy little life, what with your clean sidewalks and computer phones.  They had completely different shoes, you short sighted fuck.

What do you do during the day that you have time to get worked up over terrible things in history?  And why this?  There are a lot of terrible things that happened in history.

I bet you’re sitting on one of those fucking bouncy yoga balls at your office.