Samuel Priest

Sex Store Black Out by Samuel Priest

I wrote this a year ago.

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An Owl Reviews Delivery Pizza from Domino’s

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Domino’s Pizza Delivery – Medium Pepperoni & Bacon Hand Tossed Pizza w/Breadsticks.

On a surprisingly hot, but quite pleasant early autumn afternoon, I decided to treat myself to some pizza for lunch. It was Friday after all, the end of a hectic work week. And by work, I basically mean, sitting in trees and occasionally flying around sporadically. I wanted something cheap and easy, but still delicious, like a field mouse but NOT a field mouse if you get what I’m saying. I’m an owl. I remember seeing some commercials for a company telling me that their pizza wasn’t very good, but they were working on it and that apparently they were putting a guarantee on the box that the pizza was now good, especially compared to how it used to be. Well, what’s good for the goose (my friend Sperel, who is a goose, and likes Domino’s) is good for the Gander (my friend Steve Gander, who is also a goose), so I decided that Domino’s it would be.

Finding a coupon online, I ordered 2 medium 2 topping pizzas, some would take this opportunity to try two different types of pizza, but I’m a fan of stocking up. So I ordered a pepperoni & bacon and a pepperoni & bacon. And some breadsticks. If you haven’t ordered online from Domino’s in a while, you’re in for a treat. Not only is the process quick and easy, but after placing your order, you’ll be taken to a screen that updates you in the pizza making process and informs you exactly what state your almost delivered pizza is in, whether that’s in the “making stage” or the “baking stage” or… “on it’s way.” This is an example of technology done right. Some would say it’s an unnecessary convenience. But, I’m often amused by bright lights being flashed on me in the middle of the evening, because I’m an owl. So, I enjoyed it.

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A Dumb White Guy defends Miley Cyrus’s VMA Performance as “Fine”

Miley Cyrus @ the 2013 MTV Video Music Awards

Oooo… okay. Now maybe, uh… obviously I’m coming at it from a different place, but um… I didn’t think it was that bad of a thing? I mean, I guess I didn’t care, uh… is what I’m trying to say.

Do I think she was objectified? Uh, I mean… not really. She was the one dancing, yknow? Seemed like she was having a good time, or at least trying to look like she was. She stuck her tongue out for like 70% of it, right? So… maybe she was just being silly. Yeah, you know what, isn’t she kind of a funny girl or something? I feel like I saw an interview once where she seemed to have a sense of humor about herself. So maybe she was just goofing around out there. I don’t know. I mean, I’m a dumb white guy, so y’know.

What? Well, yeah, maybe MTV exploited it a little bit, but uh… seemed like it was on her terms, I guess. I mean, she’s 20 years old, when I was in high school it was a 16 year old Britney Spears and they had countdown clocks til she was 18 so they could get some upskirt shots and stuff. Anyway, that stuff is way grosser. The paparazzi photo flashes and all that. That bugs me, and I’m way over here yknow, being a dumb white guy.

Slut shaming? Who’s saying that? No, I didn’t read any articles about it. Well, Tracy McGrady retired. So, I was looking at youtube clips all morning. 13 points in 35 seconds, man. Why is it called slut shaming? Seems like a bad name. Maybe just call it “fun girl shaming”? I mean, I don’t know, I’m a dumb white guy, so I don’t know. It just doesn’t hit my ear right. Slut shaming. Yuck.

I’m not mad at her. I don’t know why other people would be mad. Who cares, right? A 20 year old girl dancing.

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No, I’m Not a Scientist, but I Know a Mermaid When I See One, and I Was Definitely Having Sex with a Mermaid

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Ok guys, I feel like I’m talking in circles here.  From the top, once more.  What I was doing… down by the beach, was actually a very tender, loving moment, not drunken lewd behavior culminating in a solo sexual act.  That’s ridiculous.  No, I don’t have any photographic proof or physical evidence that I was with a half human, half fish, but you’re just going to have to trust me.  
 
I’m not a scientist, but I know a mermaid when I see one, and I was definitely having sex with a mermaid.  
 
Oh, I wish!  I wish I was just an inebriated man who was confused and was in a bad place and saw a pile of cluttered sea shells and decided to just give it a go.  I wish that was the case.  Oh man, how I wish that. 

DickGhost – a Sketch by Samuel Priest

This posting is a preliminary step before a kickstarter campaign to fund the filming and making of this comedy sketch.  Think of this as an exploratory committee.  Please RT. 

DICKGHOST
July 27, 2013
By Samuel Priest

Cast
KEVIN
MICHAEL

(INT. A BOYS BEDROOM – Dimly Lit)

KEVIN
Oh man, I can’t believe your mom let you get one of these!

MICHAEL
I know right???

BOTH
Ouija Board!!!

MICHAEL
Alright, what’re we going to ask it?

KEVIN
Let’s ask if there’s a spirit in the room!

MICHAEL
Okay! Put both your hands on it!

(KEVIN & MICHAEL’s hands move as one on the Ouija board moving from letter to letter)

BOTH
D. . . I . . . C . . . K . . . S

(KEVIN & MICHAEL BOTH LAUGH)

KEVIN
Dicks!

MICHAEL
Good one!

KEVIN
Okay, let’s just try it again

BOTH
D… I… C… K… S…

MICHAEL
Hey, c’mon-

KEVIN
What? I thought that was you.

MICHAEL
That’ wasnt me, i thought it was you!

KEVIN
Let’s go again.

BOTH
D… I… C…

KEVIN
Hey! Let’s do it for real!

MICHAEL
I was! I thought you were moving it!!

KEVIN
Well, I wasn’t! I thought you were!

(beat.)

MICHAEL
Maybe we should ask it some different questions?

(a Quick montage beings as we hear upbeat music and we hear the boys say “What is your name?” “How did you die?” “How old were you when you died?” over moving images of them moving the ouija board piece and the letters “D” “I” “C” “K” “S” coming up, along with the boys getting frustrated)

KEVIN
Ugh! This stupid thing is busted!

MICHAEL
Well, on the bright side, maybe this means there’s no such thing as ghosts.

(A glowing figure appears behind them, from the shadows, ghostly in appearance, but with many strewn dicks adorning him and making up it’s body)

DICKGHOST
Diiiiiiiiiiccccccckkkkkkksssssss!!!!!!!!

(fin.)

An Artist Rendering of Possible DickGhost

An Artist Rendering of Possible DickGhost

 

 

An Owl Reviews a Local Pizza + Wine Bar

an Owl Reviews A Local Pizza + Wine Bar

A Semi-Fracas at Frasca’s

by Samson Owlson

After being initially being turned away at the door for what I suspect was too “owl-like of an appearance”, I was only able to gain entry into this fine Roscoe Village “Pizza + Wine Bar” eatery after returning in a trench coat, straw fedora, and what I can only describe as a “comically over-sized mustache.” Needless to say, these lengths are not always convenient to attain. Although, my experience will quite possibly not resemble your own, as I’m an owl, I would insist you not visit Frasca’s unless you have enough time to make at least one if not two costume changes to ensure your entrance into the restaurant.

I wish I could say that was the end of my troubles. Unfortunately, after finally being seated, the waitstaff repeatedly kept asking if I was an owl in a trench coat. And although their level of suspicion was warranted, me actually being an owl in a trench coat and all, their constant questioning and the passive aggressive way “there are no field mice on the menu” was mentioned seemed irritatingly non-confrontational and unprofessional. This behavior continued throughout the meal, tainting what otherwise was a fantastic dining experience.

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Talking to Fozzie Bear about Rape Jokes & Rape Culture

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An online controversy about the ‘legitimacy’ of Rape Jokes in our culture and specifically in our Comedy Community has erupted online recently as well as several times throughout the past year, I wanted to talk to a true comedy veteran about the “Rape Joke Debate” and the importance of showing tact and restraint in Comedy.  I could think of no better comedian, than Fozzie Bear.

AbominableIndustries:  Fozzie, do you think comedians should be able to say whatever they want to say without any repercussions whatsoever?

Fozzie Bear:  Why would you need ‘raper cushions’ to tell jokes on stage? Ah-ahhhhh!

AbominableIndustries:  What? Did you really mishear me or are you making a jo-

Fozzie Bear:  Wocka wocka!

AbominableIndustries:  It seems like there’s a real debate happening right now over “Rape Jokes,” with a heated discussion on both sides, so it’d be nice to get a sincere answer.

Fozzie Bear:  Well, there’s no real debate here. No one has the right to tell anyone that they can’t say something. That’s just a thing for people, comics, muppets, weirdos, whoever.  And for comedians, we obviously don’t want our audience to have a bad time.  To lecture comedians that they need to think before they speak… as if that’s not an incredibly basic thing that one would do before talking out loud to a group of people or muppets, is insulting and naive.  So, what’re we even talking about this for?

AbominableIndustries:  Well, it’s become a much talked about issue, crossing out of the internet blogosphere, it was featured on FX talk show Totally Biased with W. Kamau Bell, where feminist blogger Lindy West debated comic Jim Norton on Rape Jokes, as well as being a featured discussion on podcasts and radio shows.

Fozzie Bear:  Well, didn’t Lindy West mention in that “debate” and in her articles that she’s not for “censorship” and she’s not telling anyone they can’t say something?

AbominableIndustries:  Well, that was part of it, yes…

Fozzie Bear:  And her opinion was that rape references were hurtful to a large percentage of our population, including potential audiences, so white male comics should think about what they say before they say it.  Which… is reasonable, a little bit of a weird distinction she made there, but pretty reasonable.  Where’s the debate?

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Fozzie Bear has on Stage Meltdown © 2006 Buzzington Post

The following article is being reposted from the now defunct BuzzingtonPost © 2006.  The article originally appeared on November 6th, 2006.  We’ve reprinted it here as a reference point and addendum to the recent interview Fozzie Bear had with us, regarding a different comedy controversy.   You can read that interview HERE.

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Warning: The following article contains an ageist epithet and language of hate. Although censored for the majority of the article, we felt it necessary to include the initial said epithet for accuracy’s sake.

LOS ANGELES – Fozzie Bear exploded in anger as he performed at famous L.A. comedy club “The Comedy Store” Friday (10/27), hurling ageist epithets in a tirade that left the crowd gasping in shock, instead of laughter.  Although it is only a matter of time before we obtain the video, we as of yet do not have video confirmation of the incident.

Fozzie Bear played the wacky character “Fozzie the Bear” for six years on The Muppet Show and in countless films afterwards, appeared onstage at The Comedy Store in West Hollywood. Reportedly, he started being heckled by a pair of older white gentlemen from some of the cheaper seats up in the rafters.  Fozzie ignored their initial attacks until he was baited with what turned out to be a false compliment.  The hecklers laughed and one of them said loudly for all to hear that “Hey that wasn’t half bad.”

For the first time in the evening, Fozzie looked towards his attackers, offering up a feeble “thanks guys, I knew you’d come around.”  If only he knew the punchline to come, possibly this whole mess could have been avoided.

“Actually,” said the other gentleman, “it was ALL bad!”

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19 Rejected Monologue Jokes from 2 Weeks Ago by Samuel Priest

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Samuel Priest was a contributor to the Whiskey Journal Live show, a live talk show currently on hiatus.  These are 19 rejected monologue jokes that were submitted for the last two weeks of shows.  They were rejected for being “not exactly what we’re looking for here, Sam, we were thinking something smarter.  And if not that, something that would appeal to the 18 to 24 demo, you know pop culture references, have you heard of Lady Gaga?”

 

-Netflix released 14 new episodes of “Arrested Development” on Sunday, in case you hadn’t heard from your facebook or twitter feeds, the internet is really set to explode the NEXT week when the same Arrested Development episodes are released, but this time the soundtrack is that new Daft Punk album.

-The Dalia Lama said last week that killing in the name of religion was just ‘unthinkable’, well thanks a lot, Mr. Lama, now that’s ALL I can think of.

-The parents of honey boo boo got married last week, finally answering the question “if our gross voyeuristic sideshow culture records two idiots getting married in the woods, do we make it an hour long special or a half hour that runs during sweeps?”

-A recent report said almost half of Americans say that growing marijuana should be legal. The other half said “hey, take me off of this calling list” and hung up.

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Sasquatch Spotted in Old Town Chicago

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CHICAGO, IL — Staff photographer Samuel Priest was on hand earlier today in the Old Town neighborhood of Chicago, IL to catch a glimpse of what locals are calling an “Urban Sasquatch” and perhaps the first photographic evidence.

There’s been some controversy regarding the name, with some citing racist undertones in regards to the modern usage of the word ‘urban’ deeming it ‘inappropriate’ and ‘unacceptable.’  This seems to be the first photographic proof, and if one local’s opinion that the Sasquatch is indeed “hailing a cab,” this will provide some credence to adding the “Urban” nomenclature to the creature’s name.  Another local, however, disagreed saying, “he looked like he was waving to someone he thought he recognized across the street, but then realized that he didn’t know the person, so he turned it into a slight stretch, so he’s not embarrassed, but he was too late and I saw the whole thing!”